Mary, did you know?

Christmas this and last year have taken on a little bit of a different meaning to me. It's always been about Christ and his birth but my thoughts turn to Mary more often now.

Mary. The mother of a perfect child.

About a month or so after loosing Declan, I was visiting with a friend who has also lost a son. We talked about a lot of different things but as they were leaving she turned back and said how amazing it is to know what Mary knew. To be a kin spirit with her because we know what it's like to have a perfect child.

It seems weird to be grateful for something so tragic like loosing a child. And it's not that I'm glad he's gone, because I wish he weren't. But I'm grateful for the things I've learned from the experience. I miss him everyday. I miss him as I look at Liam's sweet face and know that he knows his big brother. And we approach the holidays with part of our hearts missing. But at the same time we feel so blessed to know what we know.

As I think about the birth of Christ and look at pictures of Mary and the baby Jesus, I'm reminded of the previous time I had holding my perfect child. It's almost overwhelming to think about how amazing that spirit had to be to get called back home so quickly. And now I relate to Mary like I never thought I would.

The song "Mary, did you know?" has always been my favorite Christmas song. And now I love it more than ever. So as I think about the birth of our Savior this Christmas, I have a reoccurring thought.

Mary....I know.

Merry Christmas from Renee, Mark, Declan, and Liam. We hope you feel the love of our savior this year and always.

Why I don't care if you're uncomfortable

I saw an article lately that was titled something like what people don't understand about loosing a child and I read it and mostly agreed with it but the last thing it listed was something about how we're sorry if we make you uncomfortable. But the thing is...

I'm not sorry.

I know there are people who think I talk about my baby too much or maybe think I dwell on the loss too much but I think that most women who have lost a child don't talk about it enough. I found out so many people I knew had gone through something similar after it happened to me. But they don't talk about it. They hide it and try not to bring it up and I think that's a problem.

When people talk about different things that go on with their pregnancies, I add my piece. Because I have been pregnant. I'm not one of those to just sit in the background and act like I have nothing to add to the conversation. Same thing when women talk about labor. I delievered a 12 pound baby, I have plenty to say about delivery so why would I act like I haven't experienced that part of being a mom? I can't add my sleepless nights from a crying baby but there are things I do know about and will talk about.

I realize that a lot of people don't know how to react to me when they find out about Declan. I definitely dont'try to have the very first thing someone learns about me to be the fact that I lost my baby. But if they ask if I have kids, of course I say yes. If they ask further questions it usually gets to the point where I tell them that our son passed away and then tell them it's fine that they asked about kids. I don't get to share the fact that I'm a mom as openly and easily as others do because I'm never walking around with my baby for people to see him. So when the chance does arise for me to talk about my son, I take it. I luckily haven't had anyone say anything negative about posting pictures. I know it may seem weird to post pictures of a dead baby but lets be honest, he's adorable and I think he really just looks like hes sleeping but I know I have friends who haven't put up any pictures of their sleeping babies in fear that someone would say something negative. I hate that they feel that way. I wish I could guarantee that it wouldn't happen if they did put up pictures, but I can't promise that. Some people really don't react well and respond like they're shoked when I even say yes to the question of having kids if I then end up having to explain that he's gone.

Some people get really uncomfortable.

But I'm not sorry. I have to see the millions of posts everyday on my facebook of people giving updates every second to announce that their kid likes to be cuddled and is taking a nap or they rolled over and let's not even begin on the amount of posts I see about parents complaining about actually being a parent. Here's a hint: if you have ever posted any kind of complaint on facebook about accidently getting pregnant (keep that to yourselves....seriously), how being pregnant sucks or how you just wish your kid wouldn't do whatever it is they're doing...I probably don't think very highly of you. In fact, I probably think you are incredibly ungrateful for the chance you have to actually get to raise your kid right now.

Okay some of that might soung a little harsh but I see it every day. "Why won't my baby just go to sleep" "why won't my kid leave me alone for 5 minutes so I can get things done" ect. It drives me crazy. So I get annoyed a lot with people and I get a little sad with every "look how cute my baby is" picture that comes up, but at least that's coming from someone who seems to be pretty happy about their kid, and that part makes me happy.

So I guess my point is that if someone opens up enough to you to tell you about a tragedy in their life, you don't get to play the "you just made me feel so uncomfortable I don't know how to talk to you now" card. Telling someone about something deep and personal and tragic is hard to do. You aren't the one who lost everything so why should we feel sorry for you? I will never apologize for talking about my son and making you feel bad. I don't feel bad when I talk about him so you shouldn't either. I don't complain that this happened (although it definitely wasn't my first choise) because we have grown so much and had so many amazing experiences from this that I am so grateful for.

I had a job interview recently and she asked if I had kids. I said we had one about a year ago and I think for the first time ever, someone actually picked up on the passed tense right away and she kind of froze and was like oh...I'm sorry. And I was so taken back by the fact that she actually caught on without me really saying anything had happened that it took me a minute to realize what was happening. I told her she was fine and hadn't asked anything inapproriate and later in the interview she asked me for 2 accomplishments I'm most proud of. The first thing that came to my mind was being a mom. Which made me a little emotional and her as well knowing that I don't get to brag about that all that much. No one is jealous of me and my situation and wants to trade places with me, but I can tell you that I am so proud to be that perfect little boy's mom. Given the choice of never loosing a baby and not getting to be Declan's mom, I would choose him every time. Pain and all.

The 5 stages of the grieving mother

I'm sure you have all heard of the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think these are a good outline for how people generally feel after a loss. But it's not the same for every person, even if they experience the same loss, and how they deal with each stage isnt the same.

So I wanted to go through how it's been for me. Maybe it'll will help me move past the point I'm at, but more importantly maybe it will help someone else improve where they are at.

Denial
For me, this hasn't been the most overwhelming step. Initially at the hospital when everything was happening, we couldn't really deny it. It was right in front of us, proof that it was real. Having said that, I can remember saying to Mark during labor that I kept waiting to feel baby move, and then I would remember that he wasn't going to. And in the months that have passed there has been many times when I think to myself "it can't be true, that can't have happened." But those moments are brief. Because following that thought comes the memories of the hospital and the funeral. But I can imagine how easy it would be to get stuck in this part of it. Pretneding that it didn't happen would almost be easier sometimes, I think.

Anger
This stage has been more relevant lately. I think I've just been so tired of being sad and everyone seeing me be sad that instead I've wanted to be angry. But that has been a choice, because anger hurts less. But I can't say I've been entirely successful. I knew that the christmas sunday was going to be hard for me. I actually just didn't want to go. But I decided I didn't want everyone to be looking over at me just to see me crying and feel bad for me. So I decided to be angry and try to ignore all the music and the happiness and just be mad. About halfway throught the program I got up to go to the bathroom. When I was leaving I found a sister at the door who said she had come to make sure I was okay, that she was making sure I hadn't left because my heart couldn't take being in there. And after that I couldn't be angry anymore. Because I felt that this woman loved me and had taken notice that I might not be okay and cared enough to check. Then I was a little happier. A little sadder as well, because I didn't have the anger there to block it out, but her love and simple act allowed me to feel some degree of joy, which is definitely better than anger.

Bargaining
I would've glady been the one to leave if it had meant my son could live.

Depression
This is easily the most prevelant stage for me. It started quickly and hasn't really stopped. Some days are better than others but it is always there. I don't know if it will ever fully be gone. And lately it's gotten worse. But that probably has something to do with trying to hide behind anger all the time. And it takes a toll. And there are full days where I shut down and can barely get through. Countless times sitting at work and I just start crying out of no where. Driving, then crying. When all of a sudden the pain just weighs down on me and it's like i can't breathe. All the memories come back and it is suffocating. And sometimes I shut down and let the pain win. Cause sometimes I'm not strong enought to push back at it, or I'm just too tired to try. But the worst stages do end eventually and I get back up. It's there but it's not as heavy.

Acceptance
I actually felt this pretty early on. But like everything, it comes and goes. I know it's real and I'll see my baby again and I'll get to raise him. But I think the depression, anger and acceptance like to take turns. They're comflicting emotions so I don't really feel them all at once but I cant definitely feel them all in the same day.

I think it's important to know that there is no specific order to the stages. And just cause you reach a new stage doesnt mean you're completely done with the other stage. I have felt acceptence but I'm not done with anger or depression. So sometimes the stages overlap. Or you feel them all at once. But having a good day followed by a bad day doesn't mean you arent making process. And its not just for grieveing mothers, I think this can be true for anyone who has experienced a loss.

A loss will change you. And I think it's important to let it change you, but make sure that it changes you for the better. Talk about your experience, don't let the memories fade and don't let yourself forget.

Because forgetting would be the greater tragedy.

A year to be thankful

This year has definitely been the hardest I've ever gone through and sometimes when I think about it, I have non idea how we have made it through the last year in one piece.

But the thought that I have much more often than "how am I still standing" is how many things that have happened this past year that we have to be grateful for. And I honestly am far from the best at saying thank you and that is something I need to work on. So here is a list, that I know does not include everything but here are a few things that I am especially grateful for during this past year.

I am grateful for:
Becoming a mom.
Every baby gift we recieved.
Every piece of advice that was given.
Every encouraging word.
Every congratulations.
Every ounce of excitement that people had for us.
Every dollar that was donated to us in a time of need. Most donations were made anonymously, but personal checks were also sent and I am terrible about sending thank you cards, even when my mind is fully functional. So, thank you to every one of you who donated to us.
Every prayer that was said for us.
Every second we got with our son.
Every tear that was shed for us.
Every heart that broke for us.
Every word of love and support.
Every visitor at the hospital.
Every dinner made for us.
Every dollar spent to travel to us. I have never needed my family with me so much as I did a few months ago, and they were all here.
Every minute of work missed that was instead spent with us.
Every hug.
Every miracle that we have witnessed.
Every conversation. Because human interaction is a lot of why I am still sane. Our dogs. Because they love us unconditionally and they are always happy. They help me to be happy.
I'm grateful for our jobs.
Mark's chance to go to school.
Our ward.
Our faith.
The faith of other's that helped sustain us when ours wasn't enough.
For Donald, for sending me my linda.
for every message, text and phone call. I still remember so many of them. Corey, Cat, Aissata, just to name a few. The words that were shared at that time replay in my mind in times when I need them most. Know that they were heard and are remembered.
For Jen. For coming to the hospital to see our baby when I asked her to. I would have completely understood if you hadn't but I am so happy you got to meet my baby.
Every card that was sent.
Every person who came to the graveside service.
All the flowers that filled our home.
Every person that sat next to me at church to make sure I never sat alone.
For the knowledge of eternal families, to know that we will one day get to raise our son.
For the atonment, because it makes eternal families possible.

This does not include everything we have to be grateful for, the list could go on forever. I can't name everyone who has impacted our lives by name, there are too many of you. But as the year comes to an end I knew I needed to express our gratitude for everything we have experienced. As we get into the holiday season, our hearts are heavy because we thought we would be having all the full, happy experiences of Declan's first thanksgiving and first Christmas. We set up the christmas tree a few days ago and after it was done, we sat on the couch to enjoy it and I started balling. I cried as we drove home from thanksgiving dinner. The holidays will never be quite the same happy experience they used to be knowing we will always be missing one. But we still have an unlimited amount of things to be grateful for, and that list grows every day.

The 6 month mark.

So I think one of the hardest parts about this all is that there will always be aniiversaries, always be days where we are reminded where we are "supposed" to be with Declan. Just over a week ago we reached 6 months. He would be a 6 month old baby right now if every thing had gone as we planned it.

This is a time where you always see parents posting on facebook things like "I can't believe my baby is already 6 months old!" and "time has gone so fast". Well, we didn't get to make that happy post. Instead we spent the time leading up to it trying to figure out what we were going to do to celebrate his birthday. It was hard to think of what to do because it wasn't the happy occasion it's supposed to be.

But we decided to celebrate the way we would if he were here with us. We put flowers on his grave and went out to dinner. We took the night off of school and work and set aside some time to be together and to catch up. Lately we only see each other for about an hour a day and Mark is usually doing homework during that hour, so time to actually catch up and talk is hard to find.

Two days later, Mark came home with a present. He works at Deseret Book and is always surrounded by awesome church stuff and I would pretty much buy everything if I were rich ;) But he had a really awesome idea. He had been with the missionaries the night before teaching a man who has a baptism date set. He only has the Book of Mormon and during the lesson Mark had the thought that this man needs all the scriptures. He then had the realization that Declan needs his own set of scriptures. The next day he bought two small travel sized sets of scriptures, one for this investigator, and one for our son.

He engraved a set with Declan's name and brought it home. It was the perfect gift idea. Declan is a missionary after all. So we added it to our little collection. I love that he came up with such a meaningful gift idea to celebrate our son's 6 month birthday.

And then we moved some stuff into storage. We had family coming for Thanksgiving and needed more room. So we moved the millions of diapers, dressers of clothes and some toys to a storage unit. I didn't expect that to be so hard seeing as they were just being placed somewhere else and not being sold to never see again, but as I started moving stuff to the front door, the tears started streaming. It was a change. The first change we have really made in the nursery in 6 months. Until then everything had been the same as when we arrived at the hospital, except for the memorial things we have put up on the wall above the crib.

It was a hard week but we got through. Things are getting harder as we get into the holiday season, which are supposed to be a time of nothing but joy and have also become a time of sadness for us as we wish that we were experiencing the joy of a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas with our baby. But there are still things to be grateful for and joy to feel.

Birthday, friends, cougarettes, and what now

For my birthday we went up to Provo. We had a big dinner at my favorite restaurant with a bunch of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was amazing to be surrounded by so many people who love me and to reconnect with them. Over the weekend we spent time with friends and family and it was all amazing. But I spent pretty much an entire day with Erica, one of my best friends for about 8 years now.

Erica and I became friends in high school. We were in the same ward and got along easily well from the start, connecting very quickly for our love of all things Pride and Prejudice. Even the mormon version is hilarious when watching it with her...because we spend the whole movie making fun of how bad it is!

Erica lost her husband last december, the day after having their first baby. My heart broke for her with sorrow I had only really felt once before in my life and I felt so helpless wanting to make it better for her and knowing I couldn't. We went to his funeral and it was a beautiful service full of people who loved Josh. And I was amazed at Erica's strength as she said goodbye to her husband while holding her one week old son.

And then my turn came. In those first few hours after we found out that Declan was gone, I only sent out a few texts letting a few people who were close to me know what was happening. Erica was one of those. I knew that she would understand better than most could, even though our loss was different. I knew that now we would be closer than ever as we worked through our grief and relied on the support of one another.

The day we were planning to hang out, Erica was going visiting teaching and invited me to come because the woman they were going to see had lost her baby a few years before and was pregnant again. Candace is a very strong woman who has endured so much. we shared our stories and faith as well as our tears for one another's heartache. Candace recently had her baby and I am so excited for her.

We then decided to go down to BYU and walk around campus. The probably sounds like a weird thing to do but it wasn't for us. When we went to BYU things were easier. We hadn't experienced the heartaches we know now. The problems we thought we had weren't really problems at all. That campus has become a very peaceful place for us.

So we walked around campus and walked by all the places we used to go everyday. We walked by so many students who are our age or just a few years younger. As we walked with them part of us just wanted to grab them and tell them what we've been through. I know most of them looked at us and thought we were just students like them. But they have no idea. I wanted to tell them to never leave. Stay forever because once you leave bad things can happen.

We walked down through the RB, where I had a lot of classes and where the Cougarettes practice. They weren't in there practicing but as we turned the corner we saw Jodi, the director. She invited us to come back later when they were practicing.

We met up with another friend from Virginia for lunch and caught up with her and then went back down so we could see some dancing. We got to practice and I said hi to the one girl who was on the team when I worked with them and is still on the team. Then we sat to watch the dance they were running through. We got there just in time to see the dances most likely to make us cry.

The first dance we saw was about loosing love. The song would've been enough to make us cry but the emotion in the dance really brought it home for us. Jodi warned us the next song was also emotional and she was right. The dance was titled "When the veil is thin" and I think anyone would have been emotional from that dance.

Savannah, the dancer that I know, was the main dancer in this piece. Throughout the dance she stumbled and fell and people lifted her up so she could make it through. At the end of the song she was surrounded by all those who had helped her and she was able to walk on her own. The emotion throughout this piece was incredible. I could feel her pain through the expressions on her face as she stumbled.

Erica and I stood at the fron of the room with tears streaming down our faces. These girls did not know why we were so emotional, they did not know who the women watching them dance were or what we have gone through. The did not know that we have been the ones who have have been knocked down by life and have had to rely on other to lift us as we stumble and fall. For us the ending, where she was able to walk on her own, was very powerful. Everyone interprets dance differently but what we saw at the end of that dance was her walking through the gates of heaven, surrounded by the angels who carried her when she couldn't stand on her own

There are angels who carried me, angels that carried Erica. This dance portrayed that experience so accurately that it touched our hearts. Dances like those are why the cougarettes exist. The halftime dances at football and basketball games are great, but that's not why that team is important. They are important because they have an incredible ability to bring the spirit and touch people's hearts. That is why I loved working with that team so much. They share their testimonies through their dancing and it is so beautiful.

Then the weekend ended and we returned to normal life. Things are fine and we are doing well. There is this super weird transition after something happens that completely changes your life path. It's this huge questions of what do you do next. There have been plenty of days where I have felt so confused as to what I should be doing, because I know what I should be doing. I should be raising my son. But I don't get to do that yet. And any other option feels pointless compared to that, so what's the point?

So I've had all kinds of crazy ideas. Get a job in Texas and move there. Go to grad school just for something to do. Move to Virginia so I can be with more of my family. Move back to Salt Lake area so I can be closer to family and all my college friends. Buy a house so I can paint it and stop paying rent which goes no where.

But every day I seem to have some new plan to change our daily lives but they don't work. Because I'm really trying to change what I can't and no change is going to make it back to the way it was supposed to be. But every day we get out of bed. We go to work and Mark goes to school and the world continues to go on. And some days are good and some days are really hard. But overall we are doing well and we are happy.

flat belly!

Today when I was leaving for work I walked past the one full ength mirror we have (curtosey of Miriam when she got married and moved out, yep, i sitll have it haha) and I seriously stopped and stared at my stomach. It was flatter than it has been probably since I got married (im still like 35 pounds to go until I reach wedding weight)BUT I have definitely seen a huge difference even in the past 3 weeks of my belly getting a lot flatter!

It is really hard to keep being motivated when you dont feel like you are having any results. I started working out with a personal trainer about 2 months ago and nothing seemed to be changing. Finally it is, over the last few weeks the number on the dscale has finally started going down as I have been using doTerra oils and vitamins and eating healthier. I've been drinking the doTerra slim and sassy shakes for breakfast every day, usually oatmeal for lunch (my lunch break is at 1030 am haha) and then make a normal dinner like spaghetti baked inside garlic bread :)

I didn't even work out for the last 2 weeks because I was working a ridiculous amount between my two jobs. And I've still been loosing weight. More importantly, When I looked in the mirror today, I was happy with what I saw for the first time in a long time. I wasn't happy before I got pregnant then I was pregnant...happy about the pregnant part but not about the growing part...and then right after having Declan I felt like I was too small, something I had never felt before. And it wasn't because I wasn't actually small at all, I just went from huge with a 12 pound baby inside me to a much flatter belly and I missed the belly. Mainly because I missed my baby. And then as things got more back to normal I started becoming unhappy again with my appearance again.

Part of me wanted to get pregnant again as soon as my doctors told me I could and the other part only sees the number on the scale. And I think I need to do everything I can to be in a good emotional state before I'm pregnant again and loose all controll over my emotions! So I'm finally making progress and that makes me want to work even harder! The semester before I met Mark I was taking a weightlifting class and had a open block before it. So at 11 everyday I went and ran for an hour on the eliptical (I wish I could do real running but my knees punish me for that) and then twice a week I would go straight over to my weightlifting class. I hadn't been weighing myself very much because it's super discouraging when the scale doesnt change. But after about a month I weighed myself just to see and I had lost 10 pounds! I think I ran harder than I ever had that day because I was so motivated because it was actually working! That's how I feel today. I packed a gym bag so I could go straight from work because I know if I go home first there is about an 98% less chance of me going to the gym. I have a really comfortable couch and really furry puppies that make it hard to leave home :) So here is to little successes along the way that give you motivation to keep going!

UPDATE: Weighed in this morning (wrote this post yesterday and I am down 9 pounds!