4 weeks ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy. He was born sleeping, and our hearts were broken.
When we arrived at the hospital on sunday after my water broke, they found no heartbeat. 3 nurses checked and then they did an ultrasound to confirm. Our little boy had returned home before we even got to meet him. Our hearts broke as we realized that all the things we had imagined for our future would never be a reality.
The first thought I remember having when we found out was for Mark. He had already lost his father and I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be that he now had to loose his son.
Over the next few hours, people filtered in and out to give love and support. Mark and I both received vey powerful blessings and felt a great amount of comfort.
Just over 12 hours after arriving at the hospital, I gave birth to Declan. Declan was 12 pounds and 2 oz. He had the chubbiest cheeks and we were in love. Mixed in with the sorrow we felt we also felt an overwhelming joy because we had become parents. We have been so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel these past few weeks. We know that we will have the opportunity to raise our perfect little boy in the eternities. We were blessed to be chosen to be the earthly parents of a spirit that was so perfect, he only needed to gain a body to obtain the celestial kingdom. Now we have to be worthy to be with him again.
Yesterday was father's day. I expected Mark to have a really hard day seeing as he has lost his father and the son that made him a father. Mark was fine. He handled the day just like any other. Most days I'm doing okay. Yesterday was not one of those days. I guess it was just a little too soon to be alright on a day when everyone was talking about how great it was to be a parent.
Church in general is a lot harder than it used to be. I love going because I feel so much closer to my baby when I'm there. But I'm also surrounded my a lot of little kids and babies. The baby boys especially are very hard to see. The first week at church after loosing Declan we were walking into the building behind a young couple. The woman had a baby boy looking back at me over her shoulder. The thought that went through my mind was 'your baby opens his eyes…i wonder what that's like.'
My son never opened his eyes. He never looked at me. His fingers never wrapped around mine. He never smiled. He never cried.
Going to the grocery store is really hard for me now. There are always pregnant women and women with babies. The woman with a screaming baby probably looks at me and remembers the days before she had to bring her kids with her, before shopping was a chore. She might even wishes she were in my place. But she will never know how badly i wish I could trade places with her. I wish a crying baby was the cause of our sleepless nights.
A lot of times it doesn't seem real. Like there is no way all of this has possibly happened. Our baby couldn't possibly have died. And then the thought of 'we buried our baby' goes through my mind. And then I'm pretty sure I'm the worst mother in the world. I let them put my baby in the ground. Most of the time, I'm alright. And then there are moments where out of no where I can't breathe. Because it's all real. The loss is real. But so is the truth that we will be with our son again. We know that to be true without a doubt, and more than anything, that is what has helped us keep our sanity.
We know that we will have more children, and that we will have the opportunity to raise them in this life. Our son is aware of us and of the pain we have felt from loosing him. We have felt his sweet spirit and continue to feel it when we need it most. And our future children will have a very great older brother protecting them. We are an eternal family. I am more grateful than ever for the sealing covenant that we made because part of that promise is that our children are ours forever.
