I saw an article lately that was titled something like what people don't understand about loosing a child and I read it and mostly agreed with it but the last thing it listed was something about how we're sorry if we make you uncomfortable. But the thing is...
I'm not sorry.
I know there are people who think I talk about my baby too much or maybe think I dwell on the loss too much but I think that most women who have lost a child don't talk about it enough. I found out so many people I knew had gone through something similar after it happened to me. But they don't talk about it. They hide it and try not to bring it up and I think that's a problem.
When people talk about different things that go on with their pregnancies, I add my piece. Because I have been pregnant. I'm not one of those to just sit in the background and act like I have nothing to add to the conversation. Same thing when women talk about labor. I delievered a 12 pound baby, I have plenty to say about delivery so why would I act like I haven't experienced that part of being a mom? I can't add my sleepless nights from a crying baby but there are things I do know about and will talk about.
I realize that a lot of people don't know how to react to me when they find out about Declan. I definitely dont'try to have the very first thing someone learns about me to be the fact that I lost my baby. But if they ask if I have kids, of course I say yes. If they ask further questions it usually gets to the point where I tell them that our son passed away and then tell them it's fine that they asked about kids. I don't get to share the fact that I'm a mom as openly and easily as others do because I'm never walking around with my baby for people to see him. So when the chance does arise for me to talk about my son, I take it. I luckily haven't had anyone say anything negative about posting pictures. I know it may seem weird to post pictures of a dead baby but lets be honest, he's adorable and I think he really just looks like hes sleeping but I know I have friends who haven't put up any pictures of their sleeping babies in fear that someone would say something negative. I hate that they feel that way. I wish I could guarantee that it wouldn't happen if they did put up pictures, but I can't promise that. Some people really don't react well and respond like they're shoked when I even say yes to the question of having kids if I then end up having to explain that he's gone.
Some people get really uncomfortable.
But I'm not sorry. I have to see the millions of posts everyday on my facebook of people giving updates every second to announce that their kid likes to be cuddled and is taking a nap or they rolled over and let's not even begin on the amount of posts I see about parents complaining about actually being a parent. Here's a hint: if you have ever posted any kind of complaint on facebook about accidently getting pregnant (keep that to yourselves....seriously), how being pregnant sucks or how you just wish your kid wouldn't do whatever it is they're doing...I probably don't think very highly of you. In fact, I probably think you are incredibly ungrateful for the chance you have to actually get to raise your kid right now.
Okay some of that might soung a little harsh but I see it every day. "Why won't my baby just go to sleep" "why won't my kid leave me alone for 5 minutes so I can get things done" ect. It drives me crazy. So I get annoyed a lot with people and I get a little sad with every "look how cute my baby is" picture that comes up, but at least that's coming from someone who seems to be pretty happy about their kid, and that part makes me happy.
So I guess my point is that if someone opens up enough to you to tell you about a tragedy in their life, you don't get to play the "you just made me feel so uncomfortable I don't know how to talk to you now" card. Telling someone about something deep and personal and tragic is hard to do. You aren't the one who lost everything so why should we feel sorry for you? I will never apologize for talking about my son and making you feel bad. I don't feel bad when I talk about him so you shouldn't either. I don't complain that this happened (although it definitely wasn't my first choise) because we have grown so much and had so many amazing experiences from this that I am so grateful for.
I had a job interview recently and she asked if I had kids. I said we had one about a year ago and I think for the first time ever, someone actually picked up on the passed tense right away and she kind of froze and was like oh...I'm sorry. And I was so taken back by the fact that she actually caught on without me really saying anything had happened that it took me a minute to realize what was happening. I told her she was fine and hadn't asked anything inapproriate and later in the interview she asked me for 2 accomplishments I'm most proud of. The first thing that came to my mind was being a mom. Which made me a little emotional and her as well knowing that I don't get to brag about that all that much. No one is jealous of me and my situation and wants to trade places with me, but I can tell you that I am so proud to be that perfect little boy's mom. Given the choice of never loosing a baby and not getting to be Declan's mom, I would choose him every time. Pain and all.
