This year has definitely been the hardest I've ever gone through and sometimes when I think about it, I have non idea how we have made it through the last year in one piece.
But the thought that I have much more often than "how am I still standing" is how many things that have happened this past year that we have to be grateful for. And I honestly am far from the best at saying thank you and that is something I need to work on. So here is a list, that I know does not include everything but here are a few things that I am especially grateful for during this past year.
I am grateful for:
Becoming a mom.
Every baby gift we recieved.
Every piece of advice that was given.
Every encouraging word.
Every congratulations.
Every ounce of excitement that people had for us.
Every dollar that was donated to us in a time of need. Most donations were made anonymously, but personal checks were also sent and I am terrible about sending thank you cards, even when my mind is fully functional. So, thank you to every one of you who donated to us.
Every prayer that was said for us.
Every second we got with our son.
Every tear that was shed for us.
Every heart that broke for us.
Every word of love and support.
Every visitor at the hospital.
Every dinner made for us.
Every dollar spent to travel to us. I have never needed my family with me so much as I did a few months ago, and they were all here.
Every minute of work missed that was instead spent with us.
Every hug.
Every miracle that we have witnessed.
Every conversation. Because human interaction is a lot of why I am still sane.
Our dogs. Because they love us unconditionally and they are always happy. They help me to be happy.
I'm grateful for our jobs.
Mark's chance to go to school.
Our ward.
Our faith.
The faith of other's that helped sustain us when ours wasn't enough.
For Donald, for sending me my linda.
for every message, text and phone call. I still remember so many of them. Corey, Cat, Aissata, just to name a few. The words that were shared at that time replay in my mind in times when I need them most. Know that they were heard and are remembered.
For Jen. For coming to the hospital to see our baby when I asked her to. I would have completely understood if you hadn't but I am so happy you got to meet my baby.
Every card that was sent.
Every person who came to the graveside service.
All the flowers that filled our home.
Every person that sat next to me at church to make sure I never sat alone.
For the knowledge of eternal families, to know that we will one day get to raise our son.
For the atonment, because it makes eternal families possible.
This does not include everything we have to be grateful for, the list could go on forever. I can't name everyone who has impacted our lives by name, there are too many of you. But as the year comes to an end I knew I needed to express our gratitude for everything we have experienced. As we get into the holiday season, our hearts are heavy because we thought we would be having all the full, happy experiences of Declan's first thanksgiving and first Christmas. We set up the christmas tree a few days ago and after it was done, we sat on the couch to enjoy it and I started balling. I cried as we drove home from thanksgiving dinner. The holidays will never be quite the same happy experience they used to be knowing we will always be missing one. But we still have an unlimited amount of things to be grateful for, and that list grows every day.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
The 6 month mark.
So I think one of the hardest parts about this all is that there will always be aniiversaries, always be days where we are reminded where we are "supposed" to be with Declan. Just over a week ago we reached 6 months. He would be a 6 month old baby right now if every thing had gone as we planned it.
This is a time where you always see parents posting on facebook things like "I can't believe my baby is already 6 months old!" and "time has gone so fast". Well, we didn't get to make that happy post. Instead we spent the time leading up to it trying to figure out what we were going to do to celebrate his birthday. It was hard to think of what to do because it wasn't the happy occasion it's supposed to be.
But we decided to celebrate the way we would if he were here with us. We put flowers on his grave and went out to dinner. We took the night off of school and work and set aside some time to be together and to catch up. Lately we only see each other for about an hour a day and Mark is usually doing homework during that hour, so time to actually catch up and talk is hard to find.
Two days later, Mark came home with a present. He works at Deseret Book and is always surrounded by awesome church stuff and I would pretty much buy everything if I were rich ;) But he had a really awesome idea. He had been with the missionaries the night before teaching a man who has a baptism date set. He only has the Book of Mormon and during the lesson Mark had the thought that this man needs all the scriptures. He then had the realization that Declan needs his own set of scriptures. The next day he bought two small travel sized sets of scriptures, one for this investigator, and one for our son.
He engraved a set with Declan's name and brought it home. It was the perfect gift idea. Declan is a missionary after all. So we added it to our little collection. I love that he came up with such a meaningful gift idea to celebrate our son's 6 month birthday.
And then we moved some stuff into storage. We had family coming for Thanksgiving and needed more room. So we moved the millions of diapers, dressers of clothes and some toys to a storage unit. I didn't expect that to be so hard seeing as they were just being placed somewhere else and not being sold to never see again, but as I started moving stuff to the front door, the tears started streaming. It was a change. The first change we have really made in the nursery in 6 months. Until then everything had been the same as when we arrived at the hospital, except for the memorial things we have put up on the wall above the crib.
It was a hard week but we got through. Things are getting harder as we get into the holiday season, which are supposed to be a time of nothing but joy and have also become a time of sadness for us as we wish that we were experiencing the joy of a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas with our baby. But there are still things to be grateful for and joy to feel.
This is a time where you always see parents posting on facebook things like "I can't believe my baby is already 6 months old!" and "time has gone so fast". Well, we didn't get to make that happy post. Instead we spent the time leading up to it trying to figure out what we were going to do to celebrate his birthday. It was hard to think of what to do because it wasn't the happy occasion it's supposed to be.
But we decided to celebrate the way we would if he were here with us. We put flowers on his grave and went out to dinner. We took the night off of school and work and set aside some time to be together and to catch up. Lately we only see each other for about an hour a day and Mark is usually doing homework during that hour, so time to actually catch up and talk is hard to find.
Two days later, Mark came home with a present. He works at Deseret Book and is always surrounded by awesome church stuff and I would pretty much buy everything if I were rich ;) But he had a really awesome idea. He had been with the missionaries the night before teaching a man who has a baptism date set. He only has the Book of Mormon and during the lesson Mark had the thought that this man needs all the scriptures. He then had the realization that Declan needs his own set of scriptures. The next day he bought two small travel sized sets of scriptures, one for this investigator, and one for our son.
He engraved a set with Declan's name and brought it home. It was the perfect gift idea. Declan is a missionary after all. So we added it to our little collection. I love that he came up with such a meaningful gift idea to celebrate our son's 6 month birthday.
And then we moved some stuff into storage. We had family coming for Thanksgiving and needed more room. So we moved the millions of diapers, dressers of clothes and some toys to a storage unit. I didn't expect that to be so hard seeing as they were just being placed somewhere else and not being sold to never see again, but as I started moving stuff to the front door, the tears started streaming. It was a change. The first change we have really made in the nursery in 6 months. Until then everything had been the same as when we arrived at the hospital, except for the memorial things we have put up on the wall above the crib.
It was a hard week but we got through. Things are getting harder as we get into the holiday season, which are supposed to be a time of nothing but joy and have also become a time of sadness for us as we wish that we were experiencing the joy of a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas with our baby. But there are still things to be grateful for and joy to feel.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Birthday, friends, cougarettes, and what now
For my birthday we went up to Provo. We had a big dinner at my favorite restaurant with a bunch of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was amazing to be surrounded by so many people who love me and to reconnect with them. Over the weekend we spent time with friends and family and it was all amazing. But I spent pretty much an entire day with Erica, one of my best friends for about 8 years now.
Erica and I became friends in high school. We were in the same ward and got along easily well from the start, connecting very quickly for our love of all things Pride and Prejudice. Even the mormon version is hilarious when watching it with her...because we spend the whole movie making fun of how bad it is!
Erica lost her husband last december, the day after having their first baby. My heart broke for her with sorrow I had only really felt once before in my life and I felt so helpless wanting to make it better for her and knowing I couldn't. We went to his funeral and it was a beautiful service full of people who loved Josh. And I was amazed at Erica's strength as she said goodbye to her husband while holding her one week old son.
And then my turn came. In those first few hours after we found out that Declan was gone, I only sent out a few texts letting a few people who were close to me know what was happening. Erica was one of those. I knew that she would understand better than most could, even though our loss was different. I knew that now we would be closer than ever as we worked through our grief and relied on the support of one another.
The day we were planning to hang out, Erica was going visiting teaching and invited me to come because the woman they were going to see had lost her baby a few years before and was pregnant again. Candace is a very strong woman who has endured so much. we shared our stories and faith as well as our tears for one another's heartache. Candace recently had her baby and I am so excited for her.
We then decided to go down to BYU and walk around campus. The probably sounds like a weird thing to do but it wasn't for us. When we went to BYU things were easier. We hadn't experienced the heartaches we know now. The problems we thought we had weren't really problems at all. That campus has become a very peaceful place for us.
So we walked around campus and walked by all the places we used to go everyday. We walked by so many students who are our age or just a few years younger. As we walked with them part of us just wanted to grab them and tell them what we've been through. I know most of them looked at us and thought we were just students like them. But they have no idea. I wanted to tell them to never leave. Stay forever because once you leave bad things can happen.
We walked down through the RB, where I had a lot of classes and where the Cougarettes practice. They weren't in there practicing but as we turned the corner we saw Jodi, the director. She invited us to come back later when they were practicing.
We met up with another friend from Virginia for lunch and caught up with her and then went back down so we could see some dancing. We got to practice and I said hi to the one girl who was on the team when I worked with them and is still on the team. Then we sat to watch the dance they were running through. We got there just in time to see the dances most likely to make us cry.
The first dance we saw was about loosing love. The song would've been enough to make us cry but the emotion in the dance really brought it home for us. Jodi warned us the next song was also emotional and she was right. The dance was titled "When the veil is thin" and I think anyone would have been emotional from that dance.
Savannah, the dancer that I know, was the main dancer in this piece. Throughout the dance she stumbled and fell and people lifted her up so she could make it through. At the end of the song she was surrounded by all those who had helped her and she was able to walk on her own. The emotion throughout this piece was incredible. I could feel her pain through the expressions on her face as she stumbled.
Erica and I stood at the fron of the room with tears streaming down our faces. These girls did not know why we were so emotional, they did not know who the women watching them dance were or what we have gone through. The did not know that we have been the ones who have have been knocked down by life and have had to rely on other to lift us as we stumble and fall. For us the ending, where she was able to walk on her own, was very powerful. Everyone interprets dance differently but what we saw at the end of that dance was her walking through the gates of heaven, surrounded by the angels who carried her when she couldn't stand on her own
There are angels who carried me, angels that carried Erica. This dance portrayed that experience so accurately that it touched our hearts. Dances like those are why the cougarettes exist. The halftime dances at football and basketball games are great, but that's not why that team is important. They are important because they have an incredible ability to bring the spirit and touch people's hearts. That is why I loved working with that team so much. They share their testimonies through their dancing and it is so beautiful.
Then the weekend ended and we returned to normal life. Things are fine and we are doing well. There is this super weird transition after something happens that completely changes your life path. It's this huge questions of what do you do next. There have been plenty of days where I have felt so confused as to what I should be doing, because I know what I should be doing. I should be raising my son. But I don't get to do that yet. And any other option feels pointless compared to that, so what's the point?
So I've had all kinds of crazy ideas. Get a job in Texas and move there. Go to grad school just for something to do. Move to Virginia so I can be with more of my family. Move back to Salt Lake area so I can be closer to family and all my college friends. Buy a house so I can paint it and stop paying rent which goes no where.
But every day I seem to have some new plan to change our daily lives but they don't work. Because I'm really trying to change what I can't and no change is going to make it back to the way it was supposed to be. But every day we get out of bed. We go to work and Mark goes to school and the world continues to go on. And some days are good and some days are really hard. But overall we are doing well and we are happy.
Erica and I became friends in high school. We were in the same ward and got along easily well from the start, connecting very quickly for our love of all things Pride and Prejudice. Even the mormon version is hilarious when watching it with her...because we spend the whole movie making fun of how bad it is!
Erica lost her husband last december, the day after having their first baby. My heart broke for her with sorrow I had only really felt once before in my life and I felt so helpless wanting to make it better for her and knowing I couldn't. We went to his funeral and it was a beautiful service full of people who loved Josh. And I was amazed at Erica's strength as she said goodbye to her husband while holding her one week old son.
And then my turn came. In those first few hours after we found out that Declan was gone, I only sent out a few texts letting a few people who were close to me know what was happening. Erica was one of those. I knew that she would understand better than most could, even though our loss was different. I knew that now we would be closer than ever as we worked through our grief and relied on the support of one another.
The day we were planning to hang out, Erica was going visiting teaching and invited me to come because the woman they were going to see had lost her baby a few years before and was pregnant again. Candace is a very strong woman who has endured so much. we shared our stories and faith as well as our tears for one another's heartache. Candace recently had her baby and I am so excited for her.
We then decided to go down to BYU and walk around campus. The probably sounds like a weird thing to do but it wasn't for us. When we went to BYU things were easier. We hadn't experienced the heartaches we know now. The problems we thought we had weren't really problems at all. That campus has become a very peaceful place for us.
So we walked around campus and walked by all the places we used to go everyday. We walked by so many students who are our age or just a few years younger. As we walked with them part of us just wanted to grab them and tell them what we've been through. I know most of them looked at us and thought we were just students like them. But they have no idea. I wanted to tell them to never leave. Stay forever because once you leave bad things can happen.
We walked down through the RB, where I had a lot of classes and where the Cougarettes practice. They weren't in there practicing but as we turned the corner we saw Jodi, the director. She invited us to come back later when they were practicing.
We met up with another friend from Virginia for lunch and caught up with her and then went back down so we could see some dancing. We got to practice and I said hi to the one girl who was on the team when I worked with them and is still on the team. Then we sat to watch the dance they were running through. We got there just in time to see the dances most likely to make us cry.
The first dance we saw was about loosing love. The song would've been enough to make us cry but the emotion in the dance really brought it home for us. Jodi warned us the next song was also emotional and she was right. The dance was titled "When the veil is thin" and I think anyone would have been emotional from that dance.
Savannah, the dancer that I know, was the main dancer in this piece. Throughout the dance she stumbled and fell and people lifted her up so she could make it through. At the end of the song she was surrounded by all those who had helped her and she was able to walk on her own. The emotion throughout this piece was incredible. I could feel her pain through the expressions on her face as she stumbled.
Erica and I stood at the fron of the room with tears streaming down our faces. These girls did not know why we were so emotional, they did not know who the women watching them dance were or what we have gone through. The did not know that we have been the ones who have have been knocked down by life and have had to rely on other to lift us as we stumble and fall. For us the ending, where she was able to walk on her own, was very powerful. Everyone interprets dance differently but what we saw at the end of that dance was her walking through the gates of heaven, surrounded by the angels who carried her when she couldn't stand on her own
There are angels who carried me, angels that carried Erica. This dance portrayed that experience so accurately that it touched our hearts. Dances like those are why the cougarettes exist. The halftime dances at football and basketball games are great, but that's not why that team is important. They are important because they have an incredible ability to bring the spirit and touch people's hearts. That is why I loved working with that team so much. They share their testimonies through their dancing and it is so beautiful.
Then the weekend ended and we returned to normal life. Things are fine and we are doing well. There is this super weird transition after something happens that completely changes your life path. It's this huge questions of what do you do next. There have been plenty of days where I have felt so confused as to what I should be doing, because I know what I should be doing. I should be raising my son. But I don't get to do that yet. And any other option feels pointless compared to that, so what's the point?
So I've had all kinds of crazy ideas. Get a job in Texas and move there. Go to grad school just for something to do. Move to Virginia so I can be with more of my family. Move back to Salt Lake area so I can be closer to family and all my college friends. Buy a house so I can paint it and stop paying rent which goes no where.
But every day I seem to have some new plan to change our daily lives but they don't work. Because I'm really trying to change what I can't and no change is going to make it back to the way it was supposed to be. But every day we get out of bed. We go to work and Mark goes to school and the world continues to go on. And some days are good and some days are really hard. But overall we are doing well and we are happy.
Friday, October 24, 2014
flat belly!
Today when I was leaving for work I walked past the one full ength mirror we have (curtosey of Miriam when she got married and moved out, yep, i sitll have it haha) and I seriously stopped and stared at my stomach. It was flatter than it has been probably since I got married (im still like 35 pounds to go until I reach wedding weight)BUT I have definitely seen a huge difference even in the past 3 weeks of my belly getting a lot flatter!
It is really hard to keep being motivated when you dont feel like you are having any results. I started working out with a personal trainer about 2 months ago and nothing seemed to be changing. Finally it is, over the last few weeks the number on the dscale has finally started going down as I have been using doTerra oils and vitamins and eating healthier. I've been drinking the doTerra slim and sassy shakes for breakfast every day, usually oatmeal for lunch (my lunch break is at 1030 am haha) and then make a normal dinner like spaghetti baked inside garlic bread :)
I didn't even work out for the last 2 weeks because I was working a ridiculous amount between my two jobs. And I've still been loosing weight. More importantly, When I looked in the mirror today, I was happy with what I saw for the first time in a long time. I wasn't happy before I got pregnant then I was pregnant...happy about the pregnant part but not about the growing part...and then right after having Declan I felt like I was too small, something I had never felt before. And it wasn't because I wasn't actually small at all, I just went from huge with a 12 pound baby inside me to a much flatter belly and I missed the belly. Mainly because I missed my baby. And then as things got more back to normal I started becoming unhappy again with my appearance again.
Part of me wanted to get pregnant again as soon as my doctors told me I could and the other part only sees the number on the scale. And I think I need to do everything I can to be in a good emotional state before I'm pregnant again and loose all controll over my emotions! So I'm finally making progress and that makes me want to work even harder! The semester before I met Mark I was taking a weightlifting class and had a open block before it. So at 11 everyday I went and ran for an hour on the eliptical (I wish I could do real running but my knees punish me for that) and then twice a week I would go straight over to my weightlifting class. I hadn't been weighing myself very much because it's super discouraging when the scale doesnt change. But after about a month I weighed myself just to see and I had lost 10 pounds! I think I ran harder than I ever had that day because I was so motivated because it was actually working! That's how I feel today. I packed a gym bag so I could go straight from work because I know if I go home first there is about an 98% less chance of me going to the gym. I have a really comfortable couch and really furry puppies that make it hard to leave home :) So here is to little successes along the way that give you motivation to keep going!
UPDATE: Weighed in this morning (wrote this post yesterday and I am down 9 pounds!
It is really hard to keep being motivated when you dont feel like you are having any results. I started working out with a personal trainer about 2 months ago and nothing seemed to be changing. Finally it is, over the last few weeks the number on the dscale has finally started going down as I have been using doTerra oils and vitamins and eating healthier. I've been drinking the doTerra slim and sassy shakes for breakfast every day, usually oatmeal for lunch (my lunch break is at 1030 am haha) and then make a normal dinner like spaghetti baked inside garlic bread :)
I didn't even work out for the last 2 weeks because I was working a ridiculous amount between my two jobs. And I've still been loosing weight. More importantly, When I looked in the mirror today, I was happy with what I saw for the first time in a long time. I wasn't happy before I got pregnant then I was pregnant...happy about the pregnant part but not about the growing part...and then right after having Declan I felt like I was too small, something I had never felt before. And it wasn't because I wasn't actually small at all, I just went from huge with a 12 pound baby inside me to a much flatter belly and I missed the belly. Mainly because I missed my baby. And then as things got more back to normal I started becoming unhappy again with my appearance again.
Part of me wanted to get pregnant again as soon as my doctors told me I could and the other part only sees the number on the scale. And I think I need to do everything I can to be in a good emotional state before I'm pregnant again and loose all controll over my emotions! So I'm finally making progress and that makes me want to work even harder! The semester before I met Mark I was taking a weightlifting class and had a open block before it. So at 11 everyday I went and ran for an hour on the eliptical (I wish I could do real running but my knees punish me for that) and then twice a week I would go straight over to my weightlifting class. I hadn't been weighing myself very much because it's super discouraging when the scale doesnt change. But after about a month I weighed myself just to see and I had lost 10 pounds! I think I ran harder than I ever had that day because I was so motivated because it was actually working! That's how I feel today. I packed a gym bag so I could go straight from work because I know if I go home first there is about an 98% less chance of me going to the gym. I have a really comfortable couch and really furry puppies that make it hard to leave home :) So here is to little successes along the way that give you motivation to keep going!
UPDATE: Weighed in this morning (wrote this post yesterday and I am down 9 pounds!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Officially converted to doTerra!
So quick update:
I am 7 days through the 10 days doTerra gx assist cleanse and I am down 5 pounds! So far I'm just doing the cleanse because I fereally want my body to be able to absorb everything in the slim and sassy oils and shakes and the lifelong vitality vitamins! But cleanses are important! The average person has 10 pounds of excess "junk" in their intestines! So far 5 pounds of mine is gone! And your body absorbs nutrients while food is in your I intestines but how can it if there's a ton of junk in there preventing it?!
The other 2 things I have started using are the serenity oil and the HD clear blend. The serenity I put on the back of my neck at bedtime. I did it for a few days and then forgot 2 days and I slept terribly!! Then I did it again the other night and not only did I sleep better but I woke up feeling well rested before my alarm went off. My alarm goes off at 530 am so that's saying something. I got to work at 6, didn't even take my normal 10 min nap on break cause I didn't need to, and was also way less annoyed while I was at work. I didn't finish my workday until 10 last night and only had about an hour break all day between my 2 jobs. So all together worked about 14 hours and didn't feel tired even when I got home.
The HD clear helps with acne and I've had two really bad areas of breakouts for about 4 months now. After one week of use the acne is almost completely gone! hallelujah!
Monday starts the slim and sassy line (oils and shakes) and the lifelong vitality and the real weight loss begins! Obviously I'm pretty excited :)
I am 7 days through the 10 days doTerra gx assist cleanse and I am down 5 pounds! So far I'm just doing the cleanse because I fereally want my body to be able to absorb everything in the slim and sassy oils and shakes and the lifelong vitality vitamins! But cleanses are important! The average person has 10 pounds of excess "junk" in their intestines! So far 5 pounds of mine is gone! And your body absorbs nutrients while food is in your I intestines but how can it if there's a ton of junk in there preventing it?!
The other 2 things I have started using are the serenity oil and the HD clear blend. The serenity I put on the back of my neck at bedtime. I did it for a few days and then forgot 2 days and I slept terribly!! Then I did it again the other night and not only did I sleep better but I woke up feeling well rested before my alarm went off. My alarm goes off at 530 am so that's saying something. I got to work at 6, didn't even take my normal 10 min nap on break cause I didn't need to, and was also way less annoyed while I was at work. I didn't finish my workday until 10 last night and only had about an hour break all day between my 2 jobs. So all together worked about 14 hours and didn't feel tired even when I got home.
The HD clear helps with acne and I've had two really bad areas of breakouts for about 4 months now. After one week of use the acne is almost completely gone! hallelujah!
Monday starts the slim and sassy line (oils and shakes) and the lifelong vitality and the real weight loss begins! Obviously I'm pretty excited :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Why I chose doTerra
So lately my posts have been all spiritual and uplifting and everyone's all your amazin blah blah blah. On that note,I'm really not that amazing, I'm just doing what I have to to get through this hard time. I could sit around and be angry and bitter or I could try to look at the blessings I've been given and try to get through it. And I only write when I'm feeling strong. That is far from being all the time, I just don't make a public show of it when I'm not doing so well.
So, like just about every woman who has recently had a baby, I've been trying to loose weight. I was trying to loose weight when I got pregnant but I obviously couldn't continue actively trying to loose weight while pregnant so there went that. But during my pregnancy everyone would tell me that breastfeeding would help me loose the weight quickly. Well guess who lost out on that promise? Yeah.
So my first real exposure to doTerra was actually right after I had Declan. I knew about them and had heard great things. But I hadn't really given much thought to them. While I was in labor someone mentioned using peppermint oil to stop my milk from coming in. So the day I got home my sister in law brought some over (I have 3 sisters who use doTerra) and I started pouring the peppermint oil all over me.
2 days after I delivered I did have some milk start coming in. It wasn't a lot but the fact that it was there was a reminder that I was supposed to be feeding a baby and I wasn't, and that was really hard because it was like my body was just reminding me. I had some milk for about 2 days but it never got to the point of pain that I have heard about when women are really full...and then it was done. I expected to have it a lot worse and maybe even need to pump a few times just to relieve the pain. But I didn't. With the peppermint oil I only had 2 days of some discomfort and then it was over. It worked.
Then my other two sisters that do doTerra came over to give me an aromatouch massage (basically a massage using a bunch of different oils) because my body had been through so much and it helps you relax and also improves mood (I was a little sad) and also its a massage and I never pass those up.
I do feel like th different oils that they used definitely helped. Delivering a 12 pound baby is no joke, my body was really off, and I felt like I healed really quickly. After about 2 weeks I was feeling mostly back to normal. I was moving around okay and even went back to work 3 weeks after I delievered. I wasn't exercising because that's not allowed but I could pretty much do everything else.
Once I had my 6 week exam and was allowed to exercise again I started doing a program called T25 with Mark. It's the same trainer that did Insanity. I went about 3 weeks without missing a day and then started getting busy and missed a few days so I started the program over. And I also started working out with a personal trainer during this time. After a few more weeks of doing T25 I had gained 6 pounds. So I gave up. Mark finished the 10 weeks a week or two ago and he lost 20 pounds. Obviously it can work but I needed to figure out something else to try and help my body loose weight.
I went from being pregnant, developing type 1 diabetes (which was caused by a stress other than the pregnancy itself),and then I had a baby, but then didn't breastfeed, and was back on birth control 6 weeks after delivering. Talk about crazy hormone changes. My body has no idea what is going on, so loosing weight really wasn't working. I needed to find a way to help my body figure out what's going on.
Since we were doing a beachbody workout program we saw a lot about shakeology and I know a lot of people who drink it and really like it. 2 big problems with it: first, it has green tea extract and we decided we weren't okay with that. But we've been doing some more research into that and have found some interesting things, including something from the office of the first presidency that clarifies the issue a lot. Problem number two: it's $129 for one bag. That's $129 for one meal a day for one person for 30 days. That's a lot of money especially considering our food budget for the entire month for both of us is $150. So no way that's fitting in the budget. Plus I went grocery shopping for the entire month yesterday and got all our food (except for fresh fruits/veggies, and milk cause you can't buy all that without it going bad) for $129 and change.
Then last week my personal trainer suggested I start using the new doTerra lifelong vitality vitamins. So naturally I called my doTerra loving sisters and asked what they thought about that. Turns out these vitamins (which are completely natural and don't have green tea) have been shown to help with a ton of different health problems, including management of diabetes and weight loss. Well I need that.
So I enrolled as a wellness advocate since I plan on using these vitamins long term and will get them cheaper. doTerra also has a slim and sassy line of products that include a metabolic blend of oils and meal replacement shakes. Wholesale cost for the shakes is $40 and its 40 servings. That's $1 a shake instead of $4.50 a shake. So much more worth it to me personally.
My order arrived this week and I was so excited! I started with the cleanse and restore enrollment kit. It came with GX assist (10 day cleanse), PB assist (5 day probiotic, gives you all the probiotics you need but haven't been able to absorb because you have all this extra stuff in your body preventing it from being absorbed) and then it has the lifelong vitality vitamins and lemon oil, which has a ton of different uses including helping with diegstive stress.
So for now I'm taking the cleanse and then I will start taking the PB assist and the lifelong vitality. I also got the slim and sassy softgels, balance and serenity oils, HD clear (a blend to help with complexion (did I mention the breakouts all over my chin the past few months?? Cause it's been super bad), and a free bottle of Immortale, an anti-aging blend which is usually pretty expensive.
My next order will have the Slim and Sassy new you kit which has the shakes and I'm excited to try them! So for me, with all the options out there to help with weight loss and health problems this seems like the most natural option to me. Some of it is slightly expensive but once you get one oil you will have it for a long time. They dont come in a one month supply, but most only require 1-2 drops a day depending on what you need and that makes them last forever!
I am a pretty helthy person overall but I'm far from perfect. Somedays I miss my workout or don't want to make dinner because I work 2 jobs and just finished a 12 hour day so we get pizza...we get a little too much pizza. But I am motivated to be healthier and to be at a healthier weight. I am currently 4 pounds about what I weighed when I got home from the hospital after having Declan. But it's not just about the number on the scale. It's about being truly healthy. I want to be healthy for myself and for the kids that are still waiting to come to this earth. So I can have halthy pregnancies and healthy babies who grow up to have healthy habits. Our bodies are gifts and they are so incredible. And I would know, I took all kinds of classes in college about our bodies, they really are miracles.
So why am I writing about this? Because if people know that you're working towards something, they expect to see results, and I need to be held accountable so I don't just give up and eat chocolate all day, even though somedays that's all I feel up for. So stay tuned and I'll keep sharing how it's going...even though no one probably really cares, I'll pretend there's a ton of people waiting for updates :)
So, like just about every woman who has recently had a baby, I've been trying to loose weight. I was trying to loose weight when I got pregnant but I obviously couldn't continue actively trying to loose weight while pregnant so there went that. But during my pregnancy everyone would tell me that breastfeeding would help me loose the weight quickly. Well guess who lost out on that promise? Yeah.
So my first real exposure to doTerra was actually right after I had Declan. I knew about them and had heard great things. But I hadn't really given much thought to them. While I was in labor someone mentioned using peppermint oil to stop my milk from coming in. So the day I got home my sister in law brought some over (I have 3 sisters who use doTerra) and I started pouring the peppermint oil all over me.
2 days after I delivered I did have some milk start coming in. It wasn't a lot but the fact that it was there was a reminder that I was supposed to be feeding a baby and I wasn't, and that was really hard because it was like my body was just reminding me. I had some milk for about 2 days but it never got to the point of pain that I have heard about when women are really full...and then it was done. I expected to have it a lot worse and maybe even need to pump a few times just to relieve the pain. But I didn't. With the peppermint oil I only had 2 days of some discomfort and then it was over. It worked.
Then my other two sisters that do doTerra came over to give me an aromatouch massage (basically a massage using a bunch of different oils) because my body had been through so much and it helps you relax and also improves mood (I was a little sad) and also its a massage and I never pass those up.
I do feel like th different oils that they used definitely helped. Delivering a 12 pound baby is no joke, my body was really off, and I felt like I healed really quickly. After about 2 weeks I was feeling mostly back to normal. I was moving around okay and even went back to work 3 weeks after I delievered. I wasn't exercising because that's not allowed but I could pretty much do everything else.
Once I had my 6 week exam and was allowed to exercise again I started doing a program called T25 with Mark. It's the same trainer that did Insanity. I went about 3 weeks without missing a day and then started getting busy and missed a few days so I started the program over. And I also started working out with a personal trainer during this time. After a few more weeks of doing T25 I had gained 6 pounds. So I gave up. Mark finished the 10 weeks a week or two ago and he lost 20 pounds. Obviously it can work but I needed to figure out something else to try and help my body loose weight.
I went from being pregnant, developing type 1 diabetes (which was caused by a stress other than the pregnancy itself),and then I had a baby, but then didn't breastfeed, and was back on birth control 6 weeks after delivering. Talk about crazy hormone changes. My body has no idea what is going on, so loosing weight really wasn't working. I needed to find a way to help my body figure out what's going on.
Since we were doing a beachbody workout program we saw a lot about shakeology and I know a lot of people who drink it and really like it. 2 big problems with it: first, it has green tea extract and we decided we weren't okay with that. But we've been doing some more research into that and have found some interesting things, including something from the office of the first presidency that clarifies the issue a lot. Problem number two: it's $129 for one bag. That's $129 for one meal a day for one person for 30 days. That's a lot of money especially considering our food budget for the entire month for both of us is $150. So no way that's fitting in the budget. Plus I went grocery shopping for the entire month yesterday and got all our food (except for fresh fruits/veggies, and milk cause you can't buy all that without it going bad) for $129 and change.
Then last week my personal trainer suggested I start using the new doTerra lifelong vitality vitamins. So naturally I called my doTerra loving sisters and asked what they thought about that. Turns out these vitamins (which are completely natural and don't have green tea) have been shown to help with a ton of different health problems, including management of diabetes and weight loss. Well I need that.
So I enrolled as a wellness advocate since I plan on using these vitamins long term and will get them cheaper. doTerra also has a slim and sassy line of products that include a metabolic blend of oils and meal replacement shakes. Wholesale cost for the shakes is $40 and its 40 servings. That's $1 a shake instead of $4.50 a shake. So much more worth it to me personally.
My order arrived this week and I was so excited! I started with the cleanse and restore enrollment kit. It came with GX assist (10 day cleanse), PB assist (5 day probiotic, gives you all the probiotics you need but haven't been able to absorb because you have all this extra stuff in your body preventing it from being absorbed) and then it has the lifelong vitality vitamins and lemon oil, which has a ton of different uses including helping with diegstive stress.
So for now I'm taking the cleanse and then I will start taking the PB assist and the lifelong vitality. I also got the slim and sassy softgels, balance and serenity oils, HD clear (a blend to help with complexion (did I mention the breakouts all over my chin the past few months?? Cause it's been super bad), and a free bottle of Immortale, an anti-aging blend which is usually pretty expensive.
My next order will have the Slim and Sassy new you kit which has the shakes and I'm excited to try them! So for me, with all the options out there to help with weight loss and health problems this seems like the most natural option to me. Some of it is slightly expensive but once you get one oil you will have it for a long time. They dont come in a one month supply, but most only require 1-2 drops a day depending on what you need and that makes them last forever!
I am a pretty helthy person overall but I'm far from perfect. Somedays I miss my workout or don't want to make dinner because I work 2 jobs and just finished a 12 hour day so we get pizza...we get a little too much pizza. But I am motivated to be healthier and to be at a healthier weight. I am currently 4 pounds about what I weighed when I got home from the hospital after having Declan. But it's not just about the number on the scale. It's about being truly healthy. I want to be healthy for myself and for the kids that are still waiting to come to this earth. So I can have halthy pregnancies and healthy babies who grow up to have healthy habits. Our bodies are gifts and they are so incredible. And I would know, I took all kinds of classes in college about our bodies, they really are miracles.
So why am I writing about this? Because if people know that you're working towards something, they expect to see results, and I need to be held accountable so I don't just give up and eat chocolate all day, even though somedays that's all I feel up for. So stay tuned and I'll keep sharing how it's going...even though no one probably really cares, I'll pretend there's a ton of people waiting for updates :)
Friday, September 5, 2014
a year ago today...
Today is September 5, 2014. While we have a lot of significant dates now relating to Declan, this one is really hard for me.
One year ago today, we found out I was pregnant.
The sign we are holding says "Hi dad I can't wait to meet you". I had taken the test, found out I was pregnant, and then i made this sign without Mark knowing and then brought it over to him with the positive pregnancy test. He was studying at the kitchen table for a test. I brought a very big distraction :)
We hugged each other tightly and cried with joy knowing that we were going to be parents in just a few months.
But the reality of becoming parents was very different for us than what we had imagined on this day last year. Here we are, without our son. And that makes today a bad day. In fact that's made most of this week very hard for me.
I wanted to share some of what we did do with Declan in the few hours that we had with him in the hospital. They are silly things but they are things that Mark and I had planned to do with him as he grew up, and I'm grateful that even through the pain of that day, we were able to do some things that we can remember and smile about.
A few weeks before I had Declan, Mark found his old Gameboy Advance. Oh the excitement. Mark talked a few times about wanting to play old games with Declan so that he knew the games that Mark had played growing up. While we were in the hospital, Mark was holding Declan and started playing his game. I think it mostly was to distract himself at first but after a few minutes he looked at me and said "I'm playing gameboy with my son." It made me happy that he would still be able to say he got to play a game that he loved growing up with his son. And then it was my turn.
As anyone who knows me knows, I love Harry Potter. Like I'm slightly obsessed. I have all the books on my cell phone on the kindle app and I am always somewhere in the series. At this point I was over halfway through The Prisoner of Azkaban, which has really always been my favorite, because with Lupin and Sirius, Harry finally gets part of the family he would've had if his parents had lived. And that always made me happy. So I put my little boy on my chest and I read a chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban out loud to him.
So to our little boy, we are so glad we are your parents and we miss you every day.
Oh, and I sleep with that baby blanket. Every night.
One year ago today, we found out I was pregnant.
The sign we are holding says "Hi dad I can't wait to meet you". I had taken the test, found out I was pregnant, and then i made this sign without Mark knowing and then brought it over to him with the positive pregnancy test. He was studying at the kitchen table for a test. I brought a very big distraction :)
We hugged each other tightly and cried with joy knowing that we were going to be parents in just a few months.
But the reality of becoming parents was very different for us than what we had imagined on this day last year. Here we are, without our son. And that makes today a bad day. In fact that's made most of this week very hard for me.
I wanted to share some of what we did do with Declan in the few hours that we had with him in the hospital. They are silly things but they are things that Mark and I had planned to do with him as he grew up, and I'm grateful that even through the pain of that day, we were able to do some things that we can remember and smile about.
A few weeks before I had Declan, Mark found his old Gameboy Advance. Oh the excitement. Mark talked a few times about wanting to play old games with Declan so that he knew the games that Mark had played growing up. While we were in the hospital, Mark was holding Declan and started playing his game. I think it mostly was to distract himself at first but after a few minutes he looked at me and said "I'm playing gameboy with my son." It made me happy that he would still be able to say he got to play a game that he loved growing up with his son. And then it was my turn.
As anyone who knows me knows, I love Harry Potter. Like I'm slightly obsessed. I have all the books on my cell phone on the kindle app and I am always somewhere in the series. At this point I was over halfway through The Prisoner of Azkaban, which has really always been my favorite, because with Lupin and Sirius, Harry finally gets part of the family he would've had if his parents had lived. And that always made me happy. So I put my little boy on my chest and I read a chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban out loud to him.
So to our little boy, we are so glad we are your parents and we miss you every day.
Oh, and I sleep with that baby blanket. Every night.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
To the mother who left her baby in the car
A few days ago the news articles started appearing about a mother in Hurricane who accidentally left her 11 month old daughter in the car. By the time she realized her baby was not in her crib, like she thought she was, it was too late, her perfect little girl had left this world.
I have heard about people leaving their kids in their car before and every time I have thought "how could you possibly do that, how do you forget your child". This time was no different. The situation made me angry. I don't understand how that could happen. I was even more upset when I discovered that the fundraiser that had been started for them had exceeded the $5,000 goal within a day, so it had been raised to $8,000. It has now exceeded that as well and the new goal is $12,000. Why was this family, who seemed to have lost their child because of human error receiving so much support that they exceeded their goal twice, when our fundraiser of only $3,000 did not reach the goal and we had not caused the death of our baby? Where were the news articles and incredible amount of support from the entire community when we lost Declan? We do live in the very same community after all. Why does no news company write about the families who just delivered in room 311. Because there is only one situation where a family goes into that room. We were upset and angry among other emotions. But we were wrong. I was wrong.
While my situation was different, I know what it feels like to loose your child. And at no point did my heart not ache for this family, especially for this mother, and I never thought for a second that this was done on purpose. I also know what it feels like to blame yourself. I'm sure she feels it worse than I have because there have been so many that have said it is her fault, and no one said it to me. But I said it to myself. My body failed. My body let my baby die. And for someone who has never particularly loved her body, this made it even harder. The only thing that has kept me going on at all is knowing that the gospel is true and that children who die young, die because they don't need to be here. They have already proven themselves. They are perfect. And that applies toALL the children. Not just those who are stillborn.
So what does this mean about Skyah Suwyn, who left this world after only 11 months? That she had already proven herself. As I have thought more and more about this situation, my heart has been softened. There has been an outpour of love from those who know the family and complete strangers, alike. Those who know them have said how great of a mother April is and how much the entire family loved this little girl, their only daughter. Obviously, this was an accident. I don't pretend to know all the workings of heaven, but I have learned a few things from my own loss, along with the losses of many close to me, whether they have lost children or husbands. The Lord calls who he needs home. Those who leave, especially those who leave so suddenly, leave when they called home. I know that Declan is gone because he was needed among the ranks of heaven, and I believe that Skyah was also needed there. I believe that the Lord came to her and said, it's time, we need you here. And with a broken heart, knowing the pain that her family would endure, she agreed to do as she was asked. Because those who are faithful come when they are called.
I have no understanding of why this happened the way it did. I know this mother will feel guilt and pain every day for the rest of her life because of this. But I don't think she had control over the situation. I think that maybe Heavenly Father allowed her brain to believe she had brought her daughter inside and put her in her crib, like she did every day. I think he let her mind fail her, like he let my body fail me, so that this sweet spirit could return home to achieve a greater purpose.
My heart aches for this mother. I know the loss. And to some extent, I know the guilt. I know how it is to ask yourself "what if" and "why" every second of every day.
One of my close friend lost her husband recently and a few weeks ago she pointed out that death is not sad for the person who dies. Her husband is fine. Declan is fine. Skyah is fine. In fact they're all doing much better than we are. Death is sad for the people who they leave behind. My family will never be the same, and I know that the Suwyn family won't be either. I know personally how much loosing a child can change your relationships, especially with your spouse. It is a huge trial. Everyone grieves a loss differently, and when you both loose the same thing, part of you feels like they should be grieving the exact same way you are. It's hard to understand why they seem okay on the days when you are the complete opposite of being okay. These kind of things either tear families apart, or they make them come together so strongly that they are unbreakable. I pray that they are able to support one another at this time and that it doesn't become something that they never recover from. I'm sure her husband knows better than anyone that she is a wonderful mother, and this was an accident. I hope she allows him to love her, because I know there have been days when I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved, and those times when I pushed my husband away as he tried to comfort me hurt him and only made things worse.
So to the mother who left her baby in the car, I hope one day you find peace. I hope that you know you have a perfect child. Every parent says their kid is perfect, but for us, it's true. And I truly hope that your will be able to forgive yourself and have faith in the plan, because there is a plan. And there is a reason. Even if we don't know it in this life, there is a reason. My immediate response was anger, and I was wrong. And I am sorry. I know so many have said hurtful things and that is only making your pain worse, and I hope that they will realize their quick judgement and take it back. We don't fully ever understand why these things happen, but if you ever read this, I hope it helps you. I hope you know that you will have your daughter back one day, and she will have only love for you.
I have heard about people leaving their kids in their car before and every time I have thought "how could you possibly do that, how do you forget your child". This time was no different. The situation made me angry. I don't understand how that could happen. I was even more upset when I discovered that the fundraiser that had been started for them had exceeded the $5,000 goal within a day, so it had been raised to $8,000. It has now exceeded that as well and the new goal is $12,000. Why was this family, who seemed to have lost their child because of human error receiving so much support that they exceeded their goal twice, when our fundraiser of only $3,000 did not reach the goal and we had not caused the death of our baby? Where were the news articles and incredible amount of support from the entire community when we lost Declan? We do live in the very same community after all. Why does no news company write about the families who just delivered in room 311. Because there is only one situation where a family goes into that room. We were upset and angry among other emotions. But we were wrong. I was wrong.
While my situation was different, I know what it feels like to loose your child. And at no point did my heart not ache for this family, especially for this mother, and I never thought for a second that this was done on purpose. I also know what it feels like to blame yourself. I'm sure she feels it worse than I have because there have been so many that have said it is her fault, and no one said it to me. But I said it to myself. My body failed. My body let my baby die. And for someone who has never particularly loved her body, this made it even harder. The only thing that has kept me going on at all is knowing that the gospel is true and that children who die young, die because they don't need to be here. They have already proven themselves. They are perfect. And that applies to
So what does this mean about Skyah Suwyn, who left this world after only 11 months? That she had already proven herself. As I have thought more and more about this situation, my heart has been softened. There has been an outpour of love from those who know the family and complete strangers, alike. Those who know them have said how great of a mother April is and how much the entire family loved this little girl, their only daughter. Obviously, this was an accident. I don't pretend to know all the workings of heaven, but I have learned a few things from my own loss, along with the losses of many close to me, whether they have lost children or husbands. The Lord calls who he needs home. Those who leave, especially those who leave so suddenly, leave when they called home. I know that Declan is gone because he was needed among the ranks of heaven, and I believe that Skyah was also needed there. I believe that the Lord came to her and said, it's time, we need you here. And with a broken heart, knowing the pain that her family would endure, she agreed to do as she was asked. Because those who are faithful come when they are called.
I have no understanding of why this happened the way it did. I know this mother will feel guilt and pain every day for the rest of her life because of this. But I don't think she had control over the situation. I think that maybe Heavenly Father allowed her brain to believe she had brought her daughter inside and put her in her crib, like she did every day. I think he let her mind fail her, like he let my body fail me, so that this sweet spirit could return home to achieve a greater purpose.
My heart aches for this mother. I know the loss. And to some extent, I know the guilt. I know how it is to ask yourself "what if" and "why" every second of every day.
One of my close friend lost her husband recently and a few weeks ago she pointed out that death is not sad for the person who dies. Her husband is fine. Declan is fine. Skyah is fine. In fact they're all doing much better than we are. Death is sad for the people who they leave behind. My family will never be the same, and I know that the Suwyn family won't be either. I know personally how much loosing a child can change your relationships, especially with your spouse. It is a huge trial. Everyone grieves a loss differently, and when you both loose the same thing, part of you feels like they should be grieving the exact same way you are. It's hard to understand why they seem okay on the days when you are the complete opposite of being okay. These kind of things either tear families apart, or they make them come together so strongly that they are unbreakable. I pray that they are able to support one another at this time and that it doesn't become something that they never recover from. I'm sure her husband knows better than anyone that she is a wonderful mother, and this was an accident. I hope she allows him to love her, because I know there have been days when I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved, and those times when I pushed my husband away as he tried to comfort me hurt him and only made things worse.
So to the mother who left her baby in the car, I hope one day you find peace. I hope that you know you have a perfect child. Every parent says their kid is perfect, but for us, it's true. And I truly hope that your will be able to forgive yourself and have faith in the plan, because there is a plan. And there is a reason. Even if we don't know it in this life, there is a reason. My immediate response was anger, and I was wrong. And I am sorry. I know so many have said hurtful things and that is only making your pain worse, and I hope that they will realize their quick judgement and take it back. We don't fully ever understand why these things happen, but if you ever read this, I hope it helps you. I hope you know that you will have your daughter back one day, and she will have only love for you.
Monday, July 28, 2014
One thing after another
The past two months or so have been very interesting. There are good days and bad days, but life goes on and I have to too.
The past week or so, I feel like I have been going backwards. Instead of feeling better, I've been having more and more difficult days. As much as people want to help, there really isn't anything that anyone can do. Knowing that people love and have been praying for us does bring comfort. But when everyone is introducing themselves in the marriage relations class at church and they say how many children they have and then it gets to you and you don't say that you have a child because when you think about saying "we have a son", your throat tightens and you can't actually say the words…it's painful. And then when the next week every couple is asked to list something that can cause stress on a marriage and the number one response is children…and the teacher turns towards you and says "some of you have yet to learn this", it's painful. It's so easy to complain about your kids keeping you up all night and how they are being difficult and not listening, ect. and I don't get mad and people for it when they do…but I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have something to complain about.
A few weeks ago, I saw a few kids running around and playing. One fell and scraped his knee…he got up and ran to his mom. The thought that went through my mind was, "my son will never run to me because he is hurt." The fact that he will never get physically hurt is comforting in a way, but knowing that I don't get to comfort him when he does breaks my heart. I don't get to rock him to sleep and take care of him when he's sick. I'm sure I would complain about the sleepless nights like every other parent if my situation was like every other parents'. But it's not. And I'm not.
When they did the blood tests to try and find out why Declan had passed away, they found that I had developed diabetes late in my pregnancy. They did test me for gestational diabetes, but I passed. My pregnancy was normal. I didn't feel like anything was wrong. On my due date I went to the gym and walked 3 miles on an incline, and I did a lot of zumba the last few weeks I was pregnant. I felt normal. But my blood sugar was high, meaning that Declan was getting a lot of extra sugar. This is why he was over 12 pounds. He got too big. He outgrew his placenta. He was completely healthy, his placenta just couldn't sustain his life anymore. I am grateful that we were given an answer, because I know that so many who loose their babies never get an answer as to why. We assumed it was just gestational diabetes and that it would go away since I was no longer pregnant.
My doctor did a test at 6 weeks postpartum and found that my blood sugar had not gone back to normal. They told me I have type 2 diabetes. I went to the diabetes clinic about 2 weeks ago and they started me on medicine and monitoring my blood sugar. They also did a bunch of test, including testing antibodies to verify its type 2. Today I had a follow up appointment, and they told me I really have type 1. So now I get to poke my fingers a lot and inject insulin multiple times a day.
One of the questions on the paperwork for the clinic was "how do you feel about having diabetes?" My answer…not good. This is why I lost my son. My body stopped working correctly. My body let me baby die.
I know I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault he's gone. But that still doesn't make me feel that great about my body, not that I've ever been super happy about my body in the first place, but this definitely doesn't help.
So while there have been more trails added on, I know that I still have so much to be grateful for. We recently held a fundraiser to help get Declan's headstone and to buy the plots next to him for ourselves. Between the fundraiser and money that was sent straight to us, we have enough to get these things. Declan's headstone has finally been ordered, I've hated him not having a headstone, but he will soon. And we know we will be able to be buried next to our perfect little boy. We are so grateful to everyone who donated to help us out. The remained of the money will be used to help pay bills and pay off some debt that we accumulated from missing work and changing jobs during our period of mourning.
I want to end this post with a positive thought. Regardless of the trails we have recently gone through, and continue to go through, I have felt a great deal of comfort. I know that we will be with our son one day. We will get to raise him, and I will finally get to be his mom. I look forward to that day. I am so grateful for Christ's Atonement and the knowledge of eternal families.
We have also adopted a puppy, who we have named Dakota :) And she gives awesome puppy cuddles!
The past week or so, I feel like I have been going backwards. Instead of feeling better, I've been having more and more difficult days. As much as people want to help, there really isn't anything that anyone can do. Knowing that people love and have been praying for us does bring comfort. But when everyone is introducing themselves in the marriage relations class at church and they say how many children they have and then it gets to you and you don't say that you have a child because when you think about saying "we have a son", your throat tightens and you can't actually say the words…it's painful. And then when the next week every couple is asked to list something that can cause stress on a marriage and the number one response is children…and the teacher turns towards you and says "some of you have yet to learn this", it's painful. It's so easy to complain about your kids keeping you up all night and how they are being difficult and not listening, ect. and I don't get mad and people for it when they do…but I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have something to complain about.
A few weeks ago, I saw a few kids running around and playing. One fell and scraped his knee…he got up and ran to his mom. The thought that went through my mind was, "my son will never run to me because he is hurt." The fact that he will never get physically hurt is comforting in a way, but knowing that I don't get to comfort him when he does breaks my heart. I don't get to rock him to sleep and take care of him when he's sick. I'm sure I would complain about the sleepless nights like every other parent if my situation was like every other parents'. But it's not. And I'm not.
When they did the blood tests to try and find out why Declan had passed away, they found that I had developed diabetes late in my pregnancy. They did test me for gestational diabetes, but I passed. My pregnancy was normal. I didn't feel like anything was wrong. On my due date I went to the gym and walked 3 miles on an incline, and I did a lot of zumba the last few weeks I was pregnant. I felt normal. But my blood sugar was high, meaning that Declan was getting a lot of extra sugar. This is why he was over 12 pounds. He got too big. He outgrew his placenta. He was completely healthy, his placenta just couldn't sustain his life anymore. I am grateful that we were given an answer, because I know that so many who loose their babies never get an answer as to why. We assumed it was just gestational diabetes and that it would go away since I was no longer pregnant.
My doctor did a test at 6 weeks postpartum and found that my blood sugar had not gone back to normal. They told me I have type 2 diabetes. I went to the diabetes clinic about 2 weeks ago and they started me on medicine and monitoring my blood sugar. They also did a bunch of test, including testing antibodies to verify its type 2. Today I had a follow up appointment, and they told me I really have type 1. So now I get to poke my fingers a lot and inject insulin multiple times a day.
One of the questions on the paperwork for the clinic was "how do you feel about having diabetes?" My answer…not good. This is why I lost my son. My body stopped working correctly. My body let me baby die.
I know I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault he's gone. But that still doesn't make me feel that great about my body, not that I've ever been super happy about my body in the first place, but this definitely doesn't help.
So while there have been more trails added on, I know that I still have so much to be grateful for. We recently held a fundraiser to help get Declan's headstone and to buy the plots next to him for ourselves. Between the fundraiser and money that was sent straight to us, we have enough to get these things. Declan's headstone has finally been ordered, I've hated him not having a headstone, but he will soon. And we know we will be able to be buried next to our perfect little boy. We are so grateful to everyone who donated to help us out. The remained of the money will be used to help pay bills and pay off some debt that we accumulated from missing work and changing jobs during our period of mourning.
I want to end this post with a positive thought. Regardless of the trails we have recently gone through, and continue to go through, I have felt a great deal of comfort. I know that we will be with our son one day. We will get to raise him, and I will finally get to be his mom. I look forward to that day. I am so grateful for Christ's Atonement and the knowledge of eternal families.
We have also adopted a puppy, who we have named Dakota :) And she gives awesome puppy cuddles!
Monday, June 16, 2014
I became an angel mommy
4 weeks ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy. He was born sleeping, and our hearts were broken.
When we arrived at the hospital on sunday after my water broke, they found no heartbeat. 3 nurses checked and then they did an ultrasound to confirm. Our little boy had returned home before we even got to meet him. Our hearts broke as we realized that all the things we had imagined for our future would never be a reality.
The first thought I remember having when we found out was for Mark. He had already lost his father and I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be that he now had to loose his son.
Over the next few hours, people filtered in and out to give love and support. Mark and I both received vey powerful blessings and felt a great amount of comfort.
Just over 12 hours after arriving at the hospital, I gave birth to Declan. Declan was 12 pounds and 2 oz. He had the chubbiest cheeks and we were in love. Mixed in with the sorrow we felt we also felt an overwhelming joy because we had become parents. We have been so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel these past few weeks. We know that we will have the opportunity to raise our perfect little boy in the eternities. We were blessed to be chosen to be the earthly parents of a spirit that was so perfect, he only needed to gain a body to obtain the celestial kingdom. Now we have to be worthy to be with him again.
Yesterday was father's day. I expected Mark to have a really hard day seeing as he has lost his father and the son that made him a father. Mark was fine. He handled the day just like any other. Most days I'm doing okay. Yesterday was not one of those days. I guess it was just a little too soon to be alright on a day when everyone was talking about how great it was to be a parent.
Church in general is a lot harder than it used to be. I love going because I feel so much closer to my baby when I'm there. But I'm also surrounded my a lot of little kids and babies. The baby boys especially are very hard to see. The first week at church after loosing Declan we were walking into the building behind a young couple. The woman had a baby boy looking back at me over her shoulder. The thought that went through my mind was 'your baby opens his eyes…i wonder what that's like.'
My son never opened his eyes. He never looked at me. His fingers never wrapped around mine. He never smiled. He never cried.
Going to the grocery store is really hard for me now. There are always pregnant women and women with babies. The woman with a screaming baby probably looks at me and remembers the days before she had to bring her kids with her, before shopping was a chore. She might even wishes she were in my place. But she will never know how badly i wish I could trade places with her. I wish a crying baby was the cause of our sleepless nights.
A lot of times it doesn't seem real. Like there is no way all of this has possibly happened. Our baby couldn't possibly have died. And then the thought of 'we buried our baby' goes through my mind. And then I'm pretty sure I'm the worst mother in the world. I let them put my baby in the ground. Most of the time, I'm alright. And then there are moments where out of no where I can't breathe. Because it's all real. The loss is real. But so is the truth that we will be with our son again. We know that to be true without a doubt, and more than anything, that is what has helped us keep our sanity.
We know that we will have more children, and that we will have the opportunity to raise them in this life. Our son is aware of us and of the pain we have felt from loosing him. We have felt his sweet spirit and continue to feel it when we need it most. And our future children will have a very great older brother protecting them. We are an eternal family. I am more grateful than ever for the sealing covenant that we made because part of that promise is that our children are ours forever.
Just over 12 hours after arriving at the hospital, I gave birth to Declan. Declan was 12 pounds and 2 oz. He had the chubbiest cheeks and we were in love. Mixed in with the sorrow we felt we also felt an overwhelming joy because we had become parents. We have been so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel these past few weeks. We know that we will have the opportunity to raise our perfect little boy in the eternities. We were blessed to be chosen to be the earthly parents of a spirit that was so perfect, he only needed to gain a body to obtain the celestial kingdom. Now we have to be worthy to be with him again.
My son never opened his eyes. He never looked at me. His fingers never wrapped around mine. He never smiled. He never cried.
Going to the grocery store is really hard for me now. There are always pregnant women and women with babies. The woman with a screaming baby probably looks at me and remembers the days before she had to bring her kids with her, before shopping was a chore. She might even wishes she were in my place. But she will never know how badly i wish I could trade places with her. I wish a crying baby was the cause of our sleepless nights.
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