This year has definitely been the hardest I've ever gone through and sometimes when I think about it, I have non idea how we have made it through the last year in one piece.
But the thought that I have much more often than "how am I still standing" is how many things that have happened this past year that we have to be grateful for. And I honestly am far from the best at saying thank you and that is something I need to work on. So here is a list, that I know does not include everything but here are a few things that I am especially grateful for during this past year.
I am grateful for:
Becoming a mom.
Every baby gift we recieved.
Every piece of advice that was given.
Every encouraging word.
Every congratulations.
Every ounce of excitement that people had for us.
Every dollar that was donated to us in a time of need. Most donations were made anonymously, but personal checks were also sent and I am terrible about sending thank you cards, even when my mind is fully functional. So, thank you to every one of you who donated to us.
Every prayer that was said for us.
Every second we got with our son.
Every tear that was shed for us.
Every heart that broke for us.
Every word of love and support.
Every visitor at the hospital.
Every dinner made for us.
Every dollar spent to travel to us. I have never needed my family with me so much as I did a few months ago, and they were all here.
Every minute of work missed that was instead spent with us.
Every hug.
Every miracle that we have witnessed.
Every conversation. Because human interaction is a lot of why I am still sane.
Our dogs. Because they love us unconditionally and they are always happy. They help me to be happy.
I'm grateful for our jobs.
Mark's chance to go to school.
Our ward.
Our faith.
The faith of other's that helped sustain us when ours wasn't enough.
For Donald, for sending me my linda.
for every message, text and phone call. I still remember so many of them. Corey, Cat, Aissata, just to name a few. The words that were shared at that time replay in my mind in times when I need them most. Know that they were heard and are remembered.
For Jen. For coming to the hospital to see our baby when I asked her to. I would have completely understood if you hadn't but I am so happy you got to meet my baby.
Every card that was sent.
Every person who came to the graveside service.
All the flowers that filled our home.
Every person that sat next to me at church to make sure I never sat alone.
For the knowledge of eternal families, to know that we will one day get to raise our son.
For the atonment, because it makes eternal families possible.
This does not include everything we have to be grateful for, the list could go on forever. I can't name everyone who has impacted our lives by name, there are too many of you. But as the year comes to an end I knew I needed to express our gratitude for everything we have experienced. As we get into the holiday season, our hearts are heavy because we thought we would be having all the full, happy experiences of Declan's first thanksgiving and first Christmas. We set up the christmas tree a few days ago and after it was done, we sat on the couch to enjoy it and I started balling. I cried as we drove home from thanksgiving dinner. The holidays will never be quite the same happy experience they used to be knowing we will always be missing one. But we still have an unlimited amount of things to be grateful for, and that list grows every day.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
The 6 month mark.
So I think one of the hardest parts about this all is that there will always be aniiversaries, always be days where we are reminded where we are "supposed" to be with Declan. Just over a week ago we reached 6 months. He would be a 6 month old baby right now if every thing had gone as we planned it.
This is a time where you always see parents posting on facebook things like "I can't believe my baby is already 6 months old!" and "time has gone so fast". Well, we didn't get to make that happy post. Instead we spent the time leading up to it trying to figure out what we were going to do to celebrate his birthday. It was hard to think of what to do because it wasn't the happy occasion it's supposed to be.
But we decided to celebrate the way we would if he were here with us. We put flowers on his grave and went out to dinner. We took the night off of school and work and set aside some time to be together and to catch up. Lately we only see each other for about an hour a day and Mark is usually doing homework during that hour, so time to actually catch up and talk is hard to find.
Two days later, Mark came home with a present. He works at Deseret Book and is always surrounded by awesome church stuff and I would pretty much buy everything if I were rich ;) But he had a really awesome idea. He had been with the missionaries the night before teaching a man who has a baptism date set. He only has the Book of Mormon and during the lesson Mark had the thought that this man needs all the scriptures. He then had the realization that Declan needs his own set of scriptures. The next day he bought two small travel sized sets of scriptures, one for this investigator, and one for our son.
He engraved a set with Declan's name and brought it home. It was the perfect gift idea. Declan is a missionary after all. So we added it to our little collection. I love that he came up with such a meaningful gift idea to celebrate our son's 6 month birthday.
And then we moved some stuff into storage. We had family coming for Thanksgiving and needed more room. So we moved the millions of diapers, dressers of clothes and some toys to a storage unit. I didn't expect that to be so hard seeing as they were just being placed somewhere else and not being sold to never see again, but as I started moving stuff to the front door, the tears started streaming. It was a change. The first change we have really made in the nursery in 6 months. Until then everything had been the same as when we arrived at the hospital, except for the memorial things we have put up on the wall above the crib.
It was a hard week but we got through. Things are getting harder as we get into the holiday season, which are supposed to be a time of nothing but joy and have also become a time of sadness for us as we wish that we were experiencing the joy of a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas with our baby. But there are still things to be grateful for and joy to feel.
This is a time where you always see parents posting on facebook things like "I can't believe my baby is already 6 months old!" and "time has gone so fast". Well, we didn't get to make that happy post. Instead we spent the time leading up to it trying to figure out what we were going to do to celebrate his birthday. It was hard to think of what to do because it wasn't the happy occasion it's supposed to be.
But we decided to celebrate the way we would if he were here with us. We put flowers on his grave and went out to dinner. We took the night off of school and work and set aside some time to be together and to catch up. Lately we only see each other for about an hour a day and Mark is usually doing homework during that hour, so time to actually catch up and talk is hard to find.
Two days later, Mark came home with a present. He works at Deseret Book and is always surrounded by awesome church stuff and I would pretty much buy everything if I were rich ;) But he had a really awesome idea. He had been with the missionaries the night before teaching a man who has a baptism date set. He only has the Book of Mormon and during the lesson Mark had the thought that this man needs all the scriptures. He then had the realization that Declan needs his own set of scriptures. The next day he bought two small travel sized sets of scriptures, one for this investigator, and one for our son.
He engraved a set with Declan's name and brought it home. It was the perfect gift idea. Declan is a missionary after all. So we added it to our little collection. I love that he came up with such a meaningful gift idea to celebrate our son's 6 month birthday.
And then we moved some stuff into storage. We had family coming for Thanksgiving and needed more room. So we moved the millions of diapers, dressers of clothes and some toys to a storage unit. I didn't expect that to be so hard seeing as they were just being placed somewhere else and not being sold to never see again, but as I started moving stuff to the front door, the tears started streaming. It was a change. The first change we have really made in the nursery in 6 months. Until then everything had been the same as when we arrived at the hospital, except for the memorial things we have put up on the wall above the crib.
It was a hard week but we got through. Things are getting harder as we get into the holiday season, which are supposed to be a time of nothing but joy and have also become a time of sadness for us as we wish that we were experiencing the joy of a first Thanksgiving and a first Christmas with our baby. But there are still things to be grateful for and joy to feel.
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