The past week or so, I feel like I have been going backwards. Instead of feeling better, I've been having more and more difficult days. As much as people want to help, there really isn't anything that anyone can do. Knowing that people love and have been praying for us does bring comfort. But when everyone is introducing themselves in the marriage relations class at church and they say how many children they have and then it gets to you and you don't say that you have a child because when you think about saying "we have a son", your throat tightens and you can't actually say the words…it's painful. And then when the next week every couple is asked to list something that can cause stress on a marriage and the number one response is children…and the teacher turns towards you and says "some of you have yet to learn this", it's painful. It's so easy to complain about your kids keeping you up all night and how they are being difficult and not listening, ect. and I don't get mad and people for it when they do…but I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have something to complain about.
A few weeks ago, I saw a few kids running around and playing. One fell and scraped his knee…he got up and ran to his mom. The thought that went through my mind was, "my son will never run to me because he is hurt." The fact that he will never get physically hurt is comforting in a way, but knowing that I don't get to comfort him when he does breaks my heart. I don't get to rock him to sleep and take care of him when he's sick. I'm sure I would complain about the sleepless nights like every other parent if my situation was like every other parents'. But it's not. And I'm not.
When they did the blood tests to try and find out why Declan had passed away, they found that I had developed diabetes late in my pregnancy. They did test me for gestational diabetes, but I passed. My pregnancy was normal. I didn't feel like anything was wrong. On my due date I went to the gym and walked 3 miles on an incline, and I did a lot of zumba the last few weeks I was pregnant. I felt normal. But my blood sugar was high, meaning that Declan was getting a lot of extra sugar. This is why he was over 12 pounds. He got too big. He outgrew his placenta. He was completely healthy, his placenta just couldn't sustain his life anymore. I am grateful that we were given an answer, because I know that so many who loose their babies never get an answer as to why. We assumed it was just gestational diabetes and that it would go away since I was no longer pregnant.
My doctor did a test at 6 weeks postpartum and found that my blood sugar had not gone back to normal. They told me I have type 2 diabetes. I went to the diabetes clinic about 2 weeks ago and they started me on medicine and monitoring my blood sugar. They also did a bunch of test, including testing antibodies to verify its type 2. Today I had a follow up appointment, and they told me I really have type 1. So now I get to poke my fingers a lot and inject insulin multiple times a day.
One of the questions on the paperwork for the clinic was "how do you feel about having diabetes?" My answer…not good. This is why I lost my son. My body stopped working correctly. My body let me baby die.
I know I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault he's gone. But that still doesn't make me feel that great about my body, not that I've ever been super happy about my body in the first place, but this definitely doesn't help.
So while there have been more trails added on, I know that I still have so much to be grateful for. We recently held a fundraiser to help get Declan's headstone and to buy the plots next to him for ourselves. Between the fundraiser and money that was sent straight to us, we have enough to get these things. Declan's headstone has finally been ordered, I've hated him not having a headstone, but he will soon. And we know we will be able to be buried next to our perfect little boy. We are so grateful to everyone who donated to help us out. The remained of the money will be used to help pay bills and pay off some debt that we accumulated from missing work and changing jobs during our period of mourning.
I want to end this post with a positive thought. Regardless of the trails we have recently gone through, and continue to go through, I have felt a great deal of comfort. I know that we will be with our son one day. We will get to raise him, and I will finally get to be his mom. I look forward to that day. I am so grateful for Christ's Atonement and the knowledge of eternal families.
We have also adopted a puppy, who we have named Dakota :) And she gives awesome puppy cuddles!
