Christmas this and last year have taken on a little bit of a different meaning to me. It's always been about Christ and his birth but my thoughts turn to Mary more often now.
Mary. The mother of a perfect child.
About a month or so after loosing Declan, I was visiting with a friend who has also lost a son. We talked about a lot of different things but as they were leaving she turned back and said how amazing it is to know what Mary knew. To be a kin spirit with her because we know what it's like to have a perfect child.
It seems weird to be grateful for something so tragic like loosing a child. And it's not that I'm glad he's gone, because I wish he weren't. But I'm grateful for the things I've learned from the experience. I miss him everyday. I miss him as I look at Liam's sweet face and know that he knows his big brother. And we approach the holidays with part of our hearts missing. But at the same time we feel so blessed to know what we know.
As I think about the birth of Christ and look at pictures of Mary and the baby Jesus, I'm reminded of the previous time I had holding my perfect child. It's almost overwhelming to think about how amazing that spirit had to be to get called back home so quickly. And now I relate to Mary like I never thought I would.
The song "Mary, did you know?" has always been my favorite Christmas song. And now I love it more than ever. So as I think about the birth of our Savior this Christmas, I have a reoccurring thought.
Mary....I know.
Merry Christmas from Renee, Mark, Declan, and Liam. We hope you feel the love of our savior this year and always.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Why I don't care if you're uncomfortable
I saw an article lately that was titled something like what people don't understand about loosing a child and I read it and mostly agreed with it but the last thing it listed was something about how we're sorry if we make you uncomfortable. But the thing is...
I'm not sorry.
I know there are people who think I talk about my baby too much or maybe think I dwell on the loss too much but I think that most women who have lost a child don't talk about it enough. I found out so many people I knew had gone through something similar after it happened to me. But they don't talk about it. They hide it and try not to bring it up and I think that's a problem.
When people talk about different things that go on with their pregnancies, I add my piece. Because I have been pregnant. I'm not one of those to just sit in the background and act like I have nothing to add to the conversation. Same thing when women talk about labor. I delievered a 12 pound baby, I have plenty to say about delivery so why would I act like I haven't experienced that part of being a mom? I can't add my sleepless nights from a crying baby but there are things I do know about and will talk about.
I realize that a lot of people don't know how to react to me when they find out about Declan. I definitely dont'try to have the very first thing someone learns about me to be the fact that I lost my baby. But if they ask if I have kids, of course I say yes. If they ask further questions it usually gets to the point where I tell them that our son passed away and then tell them it's fine that they asked about kids. I don't get to share the fact that I'm a mom as openly and easily as others do because I'm never walking around with my baby for people to see him. So when the chance does arise for me to talk about my son, I take it. I luckily haven't had anyone say anything negative about posting pictures. I know it may seem weird to post pictures of a dead baby but lets be honest, he's adorable and I think he really just looks like hes sleeping but I know I have friends who haven't put up any pictures of their sleeping babies in fear that someone would say something negative. I hate that they feel that way. I wish I could guarantee that it wouldn't happen if they did put up pictures, but I can't promise that. Some people really don't react well and respond like they're shoked when I even say yes to the question of having kids if I then end up having to explain that he's gone.
Some people get really uncomfortable.
But I'm not sorry. I have to see the millions of posts everyday on my facebook of people giving updates every second to announce that their kid likes to be cuddled and is taking a nap or they rolled over and let's not even begin on the amount of posts I see about parents complaining about actually being a parent. Here's a hint: if you have ever posted any kind of complaint on facebook about accidently getting pregnant (keep that to yourselves....seriously), how being pregnant sucks or how you just wish your kid wouldn't do whatever it is they're doing...I probably don't think very highly of you. In fact, I probably think you are incredibly ungrateful for the chance you have to actually get to raise your kid right now.
Okay some of that might soung a little harsh but I see it every day. "Why won't my baby just go to sleep" "why won't my kid leave me alone for 5 minutes so I can get things done" ect. It drives me crazy. So I get annoyed a lot with people and I get a little sad with every "look how cute my baby is" picture that comes up, but at least that's coming from someone who seems to be pretty happy about their kid, and that part makes me happy.
So I guess my point is that if someone opens up enough to you to tell you about a tragedy in their life, you don't get to play the "you just made me feel so uncomfortable I don't know how to talk to you now" card. Telling someone about something deep and personal and tragic is hard to do. You aren't the one who lost everything so why should we feel sorry for you? I will never apologize for talking about my son and making you feel bad. I don't feel bad when I talk about him so you shouldn't either. I don't complain that this happened (although it definitely wasn't my first choise) because we have grown so much and had so many amazing experiences from this that I am so grateful for.
I had a job interview recently and she asked if I had kids. I said we had one about a year ago and I think for the first time ever, someone actually picked up on the passed tense right away and she kind of froze and was like oh...I'm sorry. And I was so taken back by the fact that she actually caught on without me really saying anything had happened that it took me a minute to realize what was happening. I told her she was fine and hadn't asked anything inapproriate and later in the interview she asked me for 2 accomplishments I'm most proud of. The first thing that came to my mind was being a mom. Which made me a little emotional and her as well knowing that I don't get to brag about that all that much. No one is jealous of me and my situation and wants to trade places with me, but I can tell you that I am so proud to be that perfect little boy's mom. Given the choice of never loosing a baby and not getting to be Declan's mom, I would choose him every time. Pain and all.
I'm not sorry.
I know there are people who think I talk about my baby too much or maybe think I dwell on the loss too much but I think that most women who have lost a child don't talk about it enough. I found out so many people I knew had gone through something similar after it happened to me. But they don't talk about it. They hide it and try not to bring it up and I think that's a problem.
When people talk about different things that go on with their pregnancies, I add my piece. Because I have been pregnant. I'm not one of those to just sit in the background and act like I have nothing to add to the conversation. Same thing when women talk about labor. I delievered a 12 pound baby, I have plenty to say about delivery so why would I act like I haven't experienced that part of being a mom? I can't add my sleepless nights from a crying baby but there are things I do know about and will talk about.
I realize that a lot of people don't know how to react to me when they find out about Declan. I definitely dont'try to have the very first thing someone learns about me to be the fact that I lost my baby. But if they ask if I have kids, of course I say yes. If they ask further questions it usually gets to the point where I tell them that our son passed away and then tell them it's fine that they asked about kids. I don't get to share the fact that I'm a mom as openly and easily as others do because I'm never walking around with my baby for people to see him. So when the chance does arise for me to talk about my son, I take it. I luckily haven't had anyone say anything negative about posting pictures. I know it may seem weird to post pictures of a dead baby but lets be honest, he's adorable and I think he really just looks like hes sleeping but I know I have friends who haven't put up any pictures of their sleeping babies in fear that someone would say something negative. I hate that they feel that way. I wish I could guarantee that it wouldn't happen if they did put up pictures, but I can't promise that. Some people really don't react well and respond like they're shoked when I even say yes to the question of having kids if I then end up having to explain that he's gone.
Some people get really uncomfortable.
But I'm not sorry. I have to see the millions of posts everyday on my facebook of people giving updates every second to announce that their kid likes to be cuddled and is taking a nap or they rolled over and let's not even begin on the amount of posts I see about parents complaining about actually being a parent. Here's a hint: if you have ever posted any kind of complaint on facebook about accidently getting pregnant (keep that to yourselves....seriously), how being pregnant sucks or how you just wish your kid wouldn't do whatever it is they're doing...I probably don't think very highly of you. In fact, I probably think you are incredibly ungrateful for the chance you have to actually get to raise your kid right now.
Okay some of that might soung a little harsh but I see it every day. "Why won't my baby just go to sleep" "why won't my kid leave me alone for 5 minutes so I can get things done" ect. It drives me crazy. So I get annoyed a lot with people and I get a little sad with every "look how cute my baby is" picture that comes up, but at least that's coming from someone who seems to be pretty happy about their kid, and that part makes me happy.
So I guess my point is that if someone opens up enough to you to tell you about a tragedy in their life, you don't get to play the "you just made me feel so uncomfortable I don't know how to talk to you now" card. Telling someone about something deep and personal and tragic is hard to do. You aren't the one who lost everything so why should we feel sorry for you? I will never apologize for talking about my son and making you feel bad. I don't feel bad when I talk about him so you shouldn't either. I don't complain that this happened (although it definitely wasn't my first choise) because we have grown so much and had so many amazing experiences from this that I am so grateful for.
I had a job interview recently and she asked if I had kids. I said we had one about a year ago and I think for the first time ever, someone actually picked up on the passed tense right away and she kind of froze and was like oh...I'm sorry. And I was so taken back by the fact that she actually caught on without me really saying anything had happened that it took me a minute to realize what was happening. I told her she was fine and hadn't asked anything inapproriate and later in the interview she asked me for 2 accomplishments I'm most proud of. The first thing that came to my mind was being a mom. Which made me a little emotional and her as well knowing that I don't get to brag about that all that much. No one is jealous of me and my situation and wants to trade places with me, but I can tell you that I am so proud to be that perfect little boy's mom. Given the choice of never loosing a baby and not getting to be Declan's mom, I would choose him every time. Pain and all.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
The 5 stages of the grieving mother
I'm sure you have all heard of the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think these are a good outline for how people generally feel after a loss. But it's not the same for every person, even if they experience the same loss, and how they deal with each stage isnt the same.
So I wanted to go through how it's been for me. Maybe it'll will help me move past the point I'm at, but more importantly maybe it will help someone else improve where they are at.
Denial
For me, this hasn't been the most overwhelming step. Initially at the hospital when everything was happening, we couldn't really deny it. It was right in front of us, proof that it was real. Having said that, I can remember saying to Mark during labor that I kept waiting to feel baby move, and then I would remember that he wasn't going to. And in the months that have passed there has been many times when I think to myself "it can't be true, that can't have happened." But those moments are brief. Because following that thought comes the memories of the hospital and the funeral. But I can imagine how easy it would be to get stuck in this part of it. Pretneding that it didn't happen would almost be easier sometimes, I think.
Anger
This stage has been more relevant lately. I think I've just been so tired of being sad and everyone seeing me be sad that instead I've wanted to be angry. But that has been a choice, because anger hurts less. But I can't say I've been entirely successful. I knew that the christmas sunday was going to be hard for me. I actually just didn't want to go. But I decided I didn't want everyone to be looking over at me just to see me crying and feel bad for me. So I decided to be angry and try to ignore all the music and the happiness and just be mad. About halfway throught the program I got up to go to the bathroom. When I was leaving I found a sister at the door who said she had come to make sure I was okay, that she was making sure I hadn't left because my heart couldn't take being in there. And after that I couldn't be angry anymore. Because I felt that this woman loved me and had taken notice that I might not be okay and cared enough to check. Then I was a little happier. A little sadder as well, because I didn't have the anger there to block it out, but her love and simple act allowed me to feel some degree of joy, which is definitely better than anger.
Bargaining
I would've glady been the one to leave if it had meant my son could live.
Depression
This is easily the most prevelant stage for me. It started quickly and hasn't really stopped. Some days are better than others but it is always there. I don't know if it will ever fully be gone. And lately it's gotten worse. But that probably has something to do with trying to hide behind anger all the time. And it takes a toll. And there are full days where I shut down and can barely get through. Countless times sitting at work and I just start crying out of no where. Driving, then crying. When all of a sudden the pain just weighs down on me and it's like i can't breathe. All the memories come back and it is suffocating. And sometimes I shut down and let the pain win. Cause sometimes I'm not strong enought to push back at it, or I'm just too tired to try. But the worst stages do end eventually and I get back up. It's there but it's not as heavy.
Acceptance
I actually felt this pretty early on. But like everything, it comes and goes. I know it's real and I'll see my baby again and I'll get to raise him. But I think the depression, anger and acceptance like to take turns. They're comflicting emotions so I don't really feel them all at once but I cant definitely feel them all in the same day.
I think it's important to know that there is no specific order to the stages. And just cause you reach a new stage doesnt mean you're completely done with the other stage. I have felt acceptence but I'm not done with anger or depression. So sometimes the stages overlap. Or you feel them all at once. But having a good day followed by a bad day doesn't mean you arent making process. And its not just for grieveing mothers, I think this can be true for anyone who has experienced a loss.
A loss will change you. And I think it's important to let it change you, but make sure that it changes you for the better. Talk about your experience, don't let the memories fade and don't let yourself forget.
Because forgetting would be the greater tragedy.
So I wanted to go through how it's been for me. Maybe it'll will help me move past the point I'm at, but more importantly maybe it will help someone else improve where they are at.
Denial
For me, this hasn't been the most overwhelming step. Initially at the hospital when everything was happening, we couldn't really deny it. It was right in front of us, proof that it was real. Having said that, I can remember saying to Mark during labor that I kept waiting to feel baby move, and then I would remember that he wasn't going to. And in the months that have passed there has been many times when I think to myself "it can't be true, that can't have happened." But those moments are brief. Because following that thought comes the memories of the hospital and the funeral. But I can imagine how easy it would be to get stuck in this part of it. Pretneding that it didn't happen would almost be easier sometimes, I think.
Anger
This stage has been more relevant lately. I think I've just been so tired of being sad and everyone seeing me be sad that instead I've wanted to be angry. But that has been a choice, because anger hurts less. But I can't say I've been entirely successful. I knew that the christmas sunday was going to be hard for me. I actually just didn't want to go. But I decided I didn't want everyone to be looking over at me just to see me crying and feel bad for me. So I decided to be angry and try to ignore all the music and the happiness and just be mad. About halfway throught the program I got up to go to the bathroom. When I was leaving I found a sister at the door who said she had come to make sure I was okay, that she was making sure I hadn't left because my heart couldn't take being in there. And after that I couldn't be angry anymore. Because I felt that this woman loved me and had taken notice that I might not be okay and cared enough to check. Then I was a little happier. A little sadder as well, because I didn't have the anger there to block it out, but her love and simple act allowed me to feel some degree of joy, which is definitely better than anger.
Bargaining
I would've glady been the one to leave if it had meant my son could live.
Depression
This is easily the most prevelant stage for me. It started quickly and hasn't really stopped. Some days are better than others but it is always there. I don't know if it will ever fully be gone. And lately it's gotten worse. But that probably has something to do with trying to hide behind anger all the time. And it takes a toll. And there are full days where I shut down and can barely get through. Countless times sitting at work and I just start crying out of no where. Driving, then crying. When all of a sudden the pain just weighs down on me and it's like i can't breathe. All the memories come back and it is suffocating. And sometimes I shut down and let the pain win. Cause sometimes I'm not strong enought to push back at it, or I'm just too tired to try. But the worst stages do end eventually and I get back up. It's there but it's not as heavy.
Acceptance
I actually felt this pretty early on. But like everything, it comes and goes. I know it's real and I'll see my baby again and I'll get to raise him. But I think the depression, anger and acceptance like to take turns. They're comflicting emotions so I don't really feel them all at once but I cant definitely feel them all in the same day.
I think it's important to know that there is no specific order to the stages. And just cause you reach a new stage doesnt mean you're completely done with the other stage. I have felt acceptence but I'm not done with anger or depression. So sometimes the stages overlap. Or you feel them all at once. But having a good day followed by a bad day doesn't mean you arent making process. And its not just for grieveing mothers, I think this can be true for anyone who has experienced a loss.
A loss will change you. And I think it's important to let it change you, but make sure that it changes you for the better. Talk about your experience, don't let the memories fade and don't let yourself forget.
Because forgetting would be the greater tragedy.
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