One thing after another

The past two months or so have been very interesting. There are good days and bad days, but life goes on and I have to too.

The past week or so, I feel like I have been going backwards. Instead of feeling better, I've been having more and more difficult days. As much as people want to help, there really isn't anything that anyone can do. Knowing that people love and have been praying for us does bring comfort. But when everyone is introducing themselves in the marriage relations class at church and they say how many children they have and then it gets to you and you don't say that you have a child because when you think about saying "we have a son", your throat tightens and you can't actually say the words…it's painful. And then when the next week every couple is asked to list something that can cause stress on a marriage and the number one response is children…and the teacher turns towards you and says "some of you have yet to learn this", it's painful. It's so easy to complain about your kids keeping you up all night and how they are being difficult and not listening, ect. and I don't get mad and people for it when they do…but I wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have something to complain about.

A few weeks ago, I saw a few kids running around and playing. One fell and scraped his knee…he got up and ran to his mom. The thought that went through my mind was, "my son will never run to me because he is hurt." The fact that he will never get physically hurt is comforting in a way, but knowing that I don't get to comfort him when he does breaks my heart. I don't get to rock him to sleep and take care of him when he's sick. I'm sure I would complain about the sleepless nights like every other parent if my situation was like every other parents'. But it's not. And I'm not.

When they did the blood tests to try and find out why Declan had passed away, they found that I had developed diabetes late in my pregnancy. They did test me for gestational diabetes, but I passed. My pregnancy was normal. I didn't feel like anything was wrong. On my due date I went to the gym and walked 3 miles on an incline, and I did a lot of zumba the last few weeks I was pregnant. I felt normal. But my blood sugar was high, meaning that Declan was getting a lot of extra sugar. This is why he was over 12 pounds. He got too big. He outgrew his placenta. He was completely healthy, his placenta just couldn't sustain his life anymore. I am grateful that we were given an answer, because I know that so many who loose their babies never get an answer as to why. We assumed it was just gestational diabetes and that it would go away since I was no longer pregnant.

My doctor did a test at 6 weeks postpartum and found that my blood sugar had not gone back to normal. They told me I have type 2 diabetes. I went to the diabetes clinic about 2 weeks ago and they started me on medicine and monitoring my blood sugar. They also did a bunch of test, including testing antibodies to verify its type 2. Today I had a follow up appointment, and they told me I really have type 1. So now I get to poke my fingers a lot and inject insulin multiple times a day.

One of the questions on the paperwork for the clinic was "how do you feel about having diabetes?" My answer…not good. This is why I lost my son. My body stopped working correctly. My body let me baby die.

I know I didn't do anything wrong and it's not my fault he's gone. But that still doesn't make me feel that great about my body, not that I've ever been super happy about my body in the first place, but this definitely doesn't help.

So while there have been more trails added on, I know that I still have so much to be grateful for. We recently held a fundraiser to help get Declan's headstone and to buy the plots next to him for ourselves. Between the fundraiser and money that was sent straight to us, we have enough to get these things. Declan's headstone has finally been ordered, I've hated him not having a headstone, but he will soon. And we know we will be able to be buried next to our perfect little boy. We are so grateful to everyone who donated to help us out. The remained of the money will be used to help pay bills and pay off some debt that we accumulated from missing work and changing jobs during our period of mourning.

I want to end this post with a positive thought. Regardless of the trails we have recently gone through, and continue to go through, I have felt a great deal of comfort. I know that we will be with our son one day. We will get to raise him, and I will finally get to be his mom. I look forward to that day. I am so grateful for Christ's Atonement and the knowledge of eternal families.

We have also adopted a puppy, who we have named Dakota :) And she gives awesome puppy cuddles!

I became an angel mommy

4 weeks ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy. He was born sleeping, and our hearts were broken.

When we arrived at the hospital on sunday after my water broke, they found no heartbeat. 3 nurses checked and then they did an ultrasound to confirm. Our little boy had returned home before we even got to meet him. Our hearts broke as we realized that all the things we had imagined for our future would never be a reality. The first thought I remember having when we found out was for Mark. He had already lost his father and I couldn't imagine how it could possibly be that he now had to loose his son.

Over the next few hours, people filtered in and out to give love and support. Mark and I both received vey powerful blessings and felt a great amount of comfort.

Just over 12 hours after arriving at the hospital, I gave birth to Declan. Declan was 12 pounds and 2 oz. He had the chubbiest cheeks and we were in love. Mixed in with the sorrow we felt we also felt an overwhelming joy because we had become parents. We have been so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel these past few weeks. We know that we will have the opportunity to raise our perfect little boy in the eternities. We were blessed to be chosen to be the earthly parents of a spirit that was so perfect, he only needed to gain a body to obtain the celestial kingdom. Now we have to be worthy to be with him again.

Yesterday was father's day. I expected Mark to have a really hard day seeing as he has lost his father and the son that made him a father. Mark was fine. He handled the day just like any other. Most days I'm doing okay. Yesterday was not one of those days. I guess it was just a little too soon to be alright on a day when everyone was talking about how great it was to be a parent.

Church in general is a lot harder than it used to be. I love going because I feel so much closer to my baby when I'm there. But I'm also surrounded my a lot of little kids and babies. The baby boys especially are very hard to see. The first week at church after loosing Declan we were walking into the building behind a young couple. The woman had a baby boy looking back at me over her shoulder. The thought that went through my mind was 'your baby opens his eyes…i wonder what that's like.'

My son never opened his eyes. He never looked at me. His fingers never wrapped around mine. He never smiled. He never cried.

Going to the grocery store is really hard for me now. There are always pregnant women and women with babies. The woman with a screaming baby probably looks at me and remembers the days before she had to bring her kids with her, before shopping was a chore. She might even wishes she were in my place. But she will never know how badly i wish I could trade places with her. I wish a crying baby was the cause of our sleepless nights.

A lot of times it doesn't seem real. Like there is no way all of this has possibly happened. Our baby couldn't possibly have died. And then the thought of 'we buried our baby' goes through my mind. And then I'm pretty sure I'm the worst mother in the world. I let them put my baby in the ground. Most of the time, I'm alright. And then there are moments where out of no where I can't breathe. Because it's all real. The loss is real. But so is the truth that we will be with our son again. We know that to be true without a doubt, and more than anything, that is what has helped us keep our sanity.

We know that we will have more children, and that we will have the opportunity to raise them in this life. Our son is aware of us and of the pain we have felt from loosing him. We have felt his sweet spirit and continue to feel it when we need it most. And our future children will have a very great older brother protecting them. We are an eternal family. I am more grateful than ever for the sealing covenant that we made because part of that promise is that our children are ours forever.

Catching up

So I'm horrible at keeping my blog up to date so here's a fast summary of last semester!

Classes were alright. Definitely better than last semester but that's not the exciting part. so we're moving on now :)

This past semester I got to work with the BYU Cougarettes! I didn't know just how much I was going to love every single one of them when I walked through the door that first day. When I walked through the door to practice on the first day of the semester, the first thing I heard was "new trainer!!!!" The girls immediately came up and started talking to me. I'm pretty sure it was Sam that shook my hand....and it was really funny. throughout the semester I finally learned all the girls names (20 of them....it was a rough start haha).

The week of Concert was insane. But it was also one of the most rewarding experiences. These girls had worked so hard for this week of performing and it definitely paid off! They were stunning on that stage. Mind blowingly amazing night after night. I spent about 40 hours with them that week. There was a lot of fixing backs and ice bags and a LOT of ibuprofen. And night after night I got to watch these girls be amazing. Their talent is amazing. Their spirits are even more amazing. Every one of them has amazing testimonies and they shared them repeatedly throughout the semester. They strengthened me in so many ways and I was grateful for every day I got to spend with them. They spent the rest of the semester preparing non-stop for Nationals. And they did amazing. 2nd for team dance (they should've gotten first) and they took the national title for hip-hop for the second year in a row! That's right, white girls can hip hop. In case anyone needs to be inspired, watch this video :)

http://varsity.com/CompetitionVideos/Search/brigham%20young

In March my roommate Miriam got married! So Mikayla and I went to her rehearsal dinner that Friday night and then we spent all Saturday shopping. And by all day, I mean like 8 hours. 6 of those were at Fashion Place, which of course included Cheesecake Factory. Heaven on my plate. Seriously, delightful. And we spent way too much money but it was worth it.

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A goal is a dream unless it is written down

The last couple months have been pretty interesting. Last semester was a hard one, and not because my classes were particularly challenging, but because I felt so much uncertainty at what I was doing. But I've realized some things that I stopped doing that I believe are part of the reason I was having such a hard time.



The first thing I noticed I had stopped doing was going to the temple every week. I successfully went weekly for about a year. But with my busy schedule last semester, waking up at 4 am for lax practice, then school, then work, then more school....the temple got left out of my schedule. So far this year, I have accomplished my weekly goal! 1 week down! And my old roommate was right, the temple is just about empty at 11 on Thursdays. Perfect time to go and it fits in perfectly with my schedule.



I haven't missed a day of reading the scriptures in over 4 years. But reading the scriptures and studying the scriptures are two different things. I got lazy. A chapter of scripture was just a chapter. There was no true searching and pondering, just going through the motions. That makes a huge difference.

While there are other things that I needed to be doing better this last semester, these are the most important. I lost my passion but I'm determined to get it back. So here are my goals for this year:



stop saying "i hate school". I used to love it and even though its not my favorite thing in the world, having a pessimistic attitude about it doesn't help anything.



Keep a strict workout schedule. Write it down when I'm going to the gym each day, and do it. (ps. running three miles feels AMAZING)



Eat healthier. Our bodies are amazing and it's our job to keep them that way. Fill your body with the things that they need and not the things our taste buds want.

New motto: It's not about being skinny. It's about being healthy.

Get a good job over the summer and work as much as possible.

Pass the BOC exam and become a certified athletic trainer.

find a job after graduation. and if nothing comes up, find a different adventure until something does. but enjoy that time regardless.

Graduate with a high GPA. Stop being a lazy student. Prove what I'm capable of.

Look for ways to serve others.



Be in Times Square on New Years.

Get tickets to every session of general conference.

Be happy now. Stop waiting.



So here we go, 2012. My last year in college. Everything changes after this.

Bring it on.

Living the Dream

This summer was pretty amazing. I got to spend a ton of time with my family in St George but I also got to go home for a few weeks.

The first thing I did in Virginia was attend the funeral for Brother Fellows. It was heartbreaking but so amazing to hear all these stories about him and remember him in such a good way. It was great to see so many people there who loved him and had such great memories of this fantastic man.

A few nights later I stayed up with Linda until 5 in the morning. This was a classic renee and linda night. We were sitting on the couch and had our legs on each other so our feet were in each others face. Then we started giving each other feet/calf massages. Talk about a true renee and linda moment. Cause seriously, who else in the world do you do that with? No one. It gets better. We went up to her room at like 4 am (this sounds like the beginning of a dirty story haha). Her bed is a twin so we pretty much have to cuddle on it to both fit so we have our arms wrapped around each other kind of like we're hugging but what we were really doing is scratching each others backs :) This is why we're better than everyone else.

In case anyone is wondering what a renee and linda moment looks like...these pictures should clarify :)






THEN I WENT TO NEW YORK CITY.

oh. my. goodness.
I love that city.
It was my first time there and it was fabulous! I went up to go visit the wonderful Kylie Schrade who was there being a nanny for her cousin Tony. And what happened just a few hours after I got to new york? I won front row tickets to WICKED! That's right, be jealous. I could see every expression on their faces and was so close to all the performers! Then Tony brought us backstage because he's in wicked (awesome, right?) and I got to put on his Emerald City costume and see how everything on the stage works and it was awesome! Then he gave me a signed Wicked poster...win.








Two days later we woke up early to go sleep on a sidewalk for 2 hours to get rush tickets to see How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying because Daniel Radcliffe (who plays Harry Potter, for those of you who don't automatically know this) is playing the lead right now and I love him, so naturally 2 hours on a sidewalk was worth being that close to him. Oh, and he was so entertaining! I liked him better on Broadway than I did in Harry Potter, which is saying something cause we all know how I love Harry :)



We did so much shopping! Well, I did. I didn't care how much of a tourist I looked like, I bought so many souvenirs. My room is all decorated with new york stuff now and I love it! $35 fabulous bag, $40 fake Coach bag, $25 black dress, $25 hot 5 inch lace heels, I heart NY hoodie and tshirt, a 42nd street sign, pictures of the city, you get the idea...I spent my life's savings basically.




And 42nd street...holds a place in my heart since I was in the musical in high school.



And it was worth every penny. I cannot wait to go back. I'm thinking Time Square for New Years :) It was a perfect three days with the best hosts! Tony and Kylie were so fun and I even had fun with Justin...even though he had a bad attitude most of the time :)

I had one day in Virginia after I got back from New York. I sat at home all day with my family. And what more could I really ask for?



I had a week in St George after returning from home. I got tan, watched lots of girl movies with Kristen, and played with my nieces cause they're adorable. I got back to Provo yesterday. And I miss them already.





I hate moving. More than anything. My apartment is pretty nice and I have my own room and my roommates are good so far. It should be a good year..I just need a good job and to make lots of money. Guess job hunting is the plan for tomorrow :)

16 months til graduation!

I think it's amazing...

Today as I sat through church I had a thought several times throughout the lessons that were taught. The thought I had was how amazing it is that our trials are tailor made. We all have different experiences, different things we are good at and things we struggle with, and through all these different experiences we learn different things and are able to testify of different things because of our trials.

Our trials are tailor made.

How amazing that is that we don't all get the same trials because not all of us can handle some trials. I heard once that the hardest trials are given to the strongest spirits and that we are never given a trial we cannot handle. The Lord loves us enough that He wants us to grow. To do that we need to go through trials. While I don't think it's the smartest thing to pray for more trial, I think we need to be grateful for them.

Compared to most people, I haven't had a very hard life. I moved around a little bit when I was young, had to start over a few times, struggled with jobs and school, and just when I think I've got it down, everything falls apart. But I have an amazing family. I have the gospel. I have countless examples of the kind of person I want to be all around me. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I go to a great university. And even when I am sitting in a room all by myself, I am never alone.

I think about those who have suffered great losses. I think of a strong woman who has lost her oldest son and now her husband. What a strong spirit she must have. Because if she didn't, she never would have been given such great trials. She remains faithful. She continues to be blessed. What if she, like so many others, just gave up? She would have missed out on so many blessings. But she didn't. She just continues to rely on her faith to get her through. And it does.

I think we need to be more grateful. Even on those bad days, it could be worse. There is always something to complain about and there is also something to be grateful for. Will you choose to complain? Or will you choose to look at the amazing blessings all around you and be grateful? While I know I will never be completely perfect in not complaining about those things that go wrong, I am trying to focus more on the blessing I have been given in my life and continue to receive.

A soldier in God's Army

Most girls get one dad. I feel like I cheated. I got to grow up feeling like I had 2 dads.

I was blessed with an amazing family with an amazing father to lead us. I could not have been given a better dad. But a few years ago I was blessed to become close with another family who became like a second family for me. And through that, I got what felt like a second dad.

The Fellows are some of the most amazing people I have ever known, including Linda, my best friend for 6 years. I got the chance to be as close to this family as my own and I cannot explain how much joy they have brought me throughout my life.

Brother Scott Fellows was one of the most faithful men I have ever known. He was always making people around him laugh and feel welcome. Even when he was making fun of you, you could still feel the incredible amount of love he had for you. There were many nights when I joined the Fellows for family scripture and prayer. It took about 2 hours every time. Not because we were reading scripture after scripture or because our prayers were hours long. It was because we sat there as a family talking to each other and strengthening our relationships with one another. And on multiple occasions I was invited to join as part of their family. Memories upon memories were built those nights. Memories that his wife and children will never forget. Memories that I will never forget.

I loved this man for the wonderful example he was to me and everyone he met. His faith was strong, his testimony known to all that knew him. He was an amazing husband and father. Brother Fellows was a soldier on earth and I know he continues to be a soldier in heaven. I am sure he is leading the path, continuing to fight for righteousness. I believe he is in heaven teaching many about Heavenly Father and all that is true so that they can also have the opportunity to be exalted. I know he is continuing to serve our Heavenly Father as the faithful servant he was throughout his life.

He will be missed. I am heartbroken to think about going home and not seeing my daddy Fellows sitting in his big recliner watching football with his son at his side. And watching the superbowl will never be the same for me again. But I know that one day I will see him again. And so will his family. He made the choices that allowed his family to be an eternal one and he raised his children to be strong and faithful disciples of Christ. He had a huge influence on so many lives, more than he probably ever knew.

Now, more than ever, I am so grateful for the gift of eternal families. While the pain of loosing daddy Fellows is incredible, knowing that it is not the end makes it bearable. I am so grateful that my parents made the choices they did that allowed the to be sealed in the temple and the chance that that gives my family to always be together.

There is purpose in all things. Be strong. Be faithful. There is so much more to come if we will only do what we have been asked. We will be blessed throughout the eternities for our faith. I believe Daddy Fellows is receiving an incredible amount of blessings that have been reserved for him in heaven. He is among angels. He continues to be a soldier in God's Army.

Thank you for being such an amazing example to me. Thank you for being an amazing husband and father to your wife and children. And thank you for allowing me to feel like part of your family...for being a second dad to me. You will not be forgotten. I cannot wait to see you again among the armies of heaven.