For my birthday we went up to Provo. We had a big dinner at my favorite restaurant with a bunch of friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was amazing to be surrounded by so many people who love me and to reconnect with them. Over the weekend we spent time with friends and family and it was all amazing. But I spent pretty much an entire day with Erica, one of my best friends for about 8 years now.
Erica and I became friends in high school. We were in the same ward and got along easily well from the start, connecting very quickly for our love of all things Pride and Prejudice. Even the mormon version is hilarious when watching it with her...because we spend the whole movie making fun of how bad it is!
Erica lost her husband last december, the day after having their first baby. My heart broke for her with sorrow I had only really felt once before in my life and I felt so helpless wanting to make it better for her and knowing I couldn't. We went to his funeral and it was a beautiful service full of people who loved Josh. And I was amazed at Erica's strength as she said goodbye to her husband while holding her one week old son.
And then my turn came. In those first few hours after we found out that Declan was gone, I only sent out a few texts letting a few people who were close to me know what was happening. Erica was one of those. I knew that she would understand better than most could, even though our loss was different. I knew that now we would be closer than ever as we worked through our grief and relied on the support of one another.
The day we were planning to hang out, Erica was going visiting teaching and invited me to come because the woman they were going to see had lost her baby a few years before and was pregnant again. Candace is a very strong woman who has endured so much. we shared our stories and faith as well as our tears for one another's heartache. Candace recently had her baby and I am so excited for her.
We then decided to go down to BYU and walk around campus. The probably sounds like a weird thing to do but it wasn't for us. When we went to BYU things were easier. We hadn't experienced the heartaches we know now. The problems we thought we had weren't really problems at all. That campus has become a very peaceful place for us.
So we walked around campus and walked by all the places we used to go everyday. We walked by so many students who are our age or just a few years younger. As we walked with them part of us just wanted to grab them and tell them what we've been through. I know most of them looked at us and thought we were just students like them. But they have no idea. I wanted to tell them to never leave. Stay forever because once you leave bad things can happen.
We walked down through the RB, where I had a lot of classes and where the Cougarettes practice. They weren't in there practicing but as we turned the corner we saw Jodi, the director. She invited us to come back later when they were practicing.
We met up with another friend from Virginia for lunch and caught up with her and then went back down so we could see some dancing. We got to practice and I said hi to the one girl who was on the team when I worked with them and is still on the team. Then we sat to watch the dance they were running through. We got there just in time to see the dances most likely to make us cry.
The first dance we saw was about loosing love. The song would've been enough to make us cry but the emotion in the dance really brought it home for us. Jodi warned us the next song was also emotional and she was right. The dance was titled "When the veil is thin" and I think anyone would have been emotional from that dance.
Savannah, the dancer that I know, was the main dancer in this piece. Throughout the dance she stumbled and fell and people lifted her up so she could make it through. At the end of the song she was surrounded by all those who had helped her and she was able to walk on her own. The emotion throughout this piece was incredible. I could feel her pain through the expressions on her face as she stumbled.
Erica and I stood at the fron of the room with tears streaming down our faces. These girls did not know why we were so emotional, they did not know who the women watching them dance were or what we have gone through. The did not know that we have been the ones who have have been knocked down by life and have had to rely on other to lift us as we stumble and fall. For us the ending, where she was able to walk on her own, was very powerful. Everyone interprets dance differently but what we saw at the end of that dance was her walking through the gates of heaven, surrounded by the angels who carried her when she couldn't stand on her own
There are angels who carried me, angels that carried Erica. This dance portrayed that experience so accurately that it touched our hearts. Dances like those are why the cougarettes exist. The halftime dances at football and basketball games are great, but that's not why that team is important. They are important because they have an incredible ability to bring the spirit and touch people's hearts. That is why I loved working with that team so much. They share their testimonies through their dancing and it is so beautiful.
Then the weekend ended and we returned to normal life. Things are fine and we are doing well. There is this super weird transition after something happens that completely changes your life path. It's this huge questions of what do you do next. There have been plenty of days where I have felt so confused as to what I should be doing, because I know what I should be doing. I should be raising my son. But I don't get to do that yet. And any other option feels pointless compared to that, so what's the point?
So I've had all kinds of crazy ideas. Get a job in Texas and move there. Go to grad school just for something to do. Move to Virginia so I can be with more of my family. Move back to Salt Lake area so I can be closer to family and all my college friends. Buy a house so I can paint it and stop paying rent which goes no where.
But every day I seem to have some new plan to change our daily lives but they don't work. Because I'm really trying to change what I can't and no change is going to make it back to the way it was supposed to be. But every day we get out of bed. We go to work and Mark goes to school and the world continues to go on. And some days are good and some days are really hard. But overall we are doing well and we are happy.
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