The 5 stages of the grieving mother

I'm sure you have all heard of the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I think these are a good outline for how people generally feel after a loss. But it's not the same for every person, even if they experience the same loss, and how they deal with each stage isnt the same.

So I wanted to go through how it's been for me. Maybe it'll will help me move past the point I'm at, but more importantly maybe it will help someone else improve where they are at.

Denial
For me, this hasn't been the most overwhelming step. Initially at the hospital when everything was happening, we couldn't really deny it. It was right in front of us, proof that it was real. Having said that, I can remember saying to Mark during labor that I kept waiting to feel baby move, and then I would remember that he wasn't going to. And in the months that have passed there has been many times when I think to myself "it can't be true, that can't have happened." But those moments are brief. Because following that thought comes the memories of the hospital and the funeral. But I can imagine how easy it would be to get stuck in this part of it. Pretneding that it didn't happen would almost be easier sometimes, I think.

Anger
This stage has been more relevant lately. I think I've just been so tired of being sad and everyone seeing me be sad that instead I've wanted to be angry. But that has been a choice, because anger hurts less. But I can't say I've been entirely successful. I knew that the christmas sunday was going to be hard for me. I actually just didn't want to go. But I decided I didn't want everyone to be looking over at me just to see me crying and feel bad for me. So I decided to be angry and try to ignore all the music and the happiness and just be mad. About halfway throught the program I got up to go to the bathroom. When I was leaving I found a sister at the door who said she had come to make sure I was okay, that she was making sure I hadn't left because my heart couldn't take being in there. And after that I couldn't be angry anymore. Because I felt that this woman loved me and had taken notice that I might not be okay and cared enough to check. Then I was a little happier. A little sadder as well, because I didn't have the anger there to block it out, but her love and simple act allowed me to feel some degree of joy, which is definitely better than anger.

Bargaining
I would've glady been the one to leave if it had meant my son could live.

Depression
This is easily the most prevelant stage for me. It started quickly and hasn't really stopped. Some days are better than others but it is always there. I don't know if it will ever fully be gone. And lately it's gotten worse. But that probably has something to do with trying to hide behind anger all the time. And it takes a toll. And there are full days where I shut down and can barely get through. Countless times sitting at work and I just start crying out of no where. Driving, then crying. When all of a sudden the pain just weighs down on me and it's like i can't breathe. All the memories come back and it is suffocating. And sometimes I shut down and let the pain win. Cause sometimes I'm not strong enought to push back at it, or I'm just too tired to try. But the worst stages do end eventually and I get back up. It's there but it's not as heavy.

Acceptance
I actually felt this pretty early on. But like everything, it comes and goes. I know it's real and I'll see my baby again and I'll get to raise him. But I think the depression, anger and acceptance like to take turns. They're comflicting emotions so I don't really feel them all at once but I cant definitely feel them all in the same day.

I think it's important to know that there is no specific order to the stages. And just cause you reach a new stage doesnt mean you're completely done with the other stage. I have felt acceptence but I'm not done with anger or depression. So sometimes the stages overlap. Or you feel them all at once. But having a good day followed by a bad day doesn't mean you arent making process. And its not just for grieveing mothers, I think this can be true for anyone who has experienced a loss.

A loss will change you. And I think it's important to let it change you, but make sure that it changes you for the better. Talk about your experience, don't let the memories fade and don't let yourself forget.

Because forgetting would be the greater tragedy.